A glimpse into my personal insanity

We woke up late this morning. Jerome and Xavier decided to sleep in and Sylvain didn't set his alarm. I woke up and looked around, it was bright in our room. Oh no. That means the sun is coming up. That means it's after 7am. Crap. Turns out it was 7:45am. My dayhome is 'supposed' to be open at 7am, Sylvain is supposed to be off to work at 7:30. EEK! Jump out of bed, don't even get dressed, run downstairs and check the front door. Nobody. Whew. Then I start to wander around and turn on lights, straighten up and realize I probably have to wash my face. Make up, wonderful... unless you go to bed with it on. Anyway. Everything started out in a hurry, but slowed down after that. I was going to have a dayhome safety check done today, but she called and rescheduled. But that wasn't before I ran around putting things away, cleaning things, locking up cupboards, etc. Sheesh. In between babies snacking, playing, diaper changes. And that was BEFORE lunch! I remember I have...

Today I still don't feel all that well. My throat now hurts from coughing, my coughing fits are a bit random and unpredictable, and I'm losing a lot of sleep because of it. Both Jerome and my dayhome baby were down for their afternoon naps, I was having a snack and Xavier was with Papa downstairs in the "Lego Lair" building away. I was in the middle of watching one of my PVR shows, and suddenly I hear a weird sound. Xavier is coming up the stairs and making a thpbt thpbt thpbt sound (like a helicopter). Here he comes with this HUGE blue/grey/black helicopter, made completely out of lego. Papa was hard at work. Xavier has this big grin and says, "See Maman? Isn't it a neat helicopter? LOOK! The back opens and so does the front. It's for me and you and Papa. Now we just need to find you a lego man, oops, I mean girl." "WOW! That's awesome Xavier!" I was truly impressed by this custom built flying vehicle that I could NEVER do... well, may...

To date I've lost 25.2 lbs. My goal in the end is to get down about 80lbs, which would make my end weight around 175 - 180lbs. I have to say that I'm happy with the way things are going for me, I average about 1 1/2lbs per week, I'm very VERY happy for that. On top of just eating properly, I've started going to the gym three times a week. Twice for a circuit workout and once for a Zumba class. It's tough, but so far I think it's working for me. It's a good feeling at the end of a workout to be sore and sweaty and tired, but you think to yourself, geez I feel great. I have a lot of support to help me develop this new lifestyle I strive for. There's the people at the meetings that are there once a week and applaud all the accomplishments and encourage you through the hiccups that your path might have. Then there's the gym. My neighbor tries to come with me once in a while, and there's the instructors there that are all encouraging to... well, prett...

There are a lot of things husbands are good for... the obvious being number one... hehehe... carrying the heavy stuff... GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!! Seriously though, uh, never ask your husband to comment on your new art style when you're not even sure yourself. In the end I really like how it turned out, and I think I can improve it the next time around. But I don't think I'm going to ever ask Sylvain again. The man has no idea what to say. He starts to by saying, oh yea, it looks nice. NICE??? That's not the word I want to hear. Different, odd, abstract, interesting... anything but nice... nice is what you say to your mother when you don't know what to tell her about her new hairstyle! I mean COME ON!!! Oh so not happy.... Then he says... well... I don't like the stems of the flowers... okay... why... the dark green and light green contrast too much... uh... huh? Of course it does! It's supposed to! Oh... then it looks pretty nice. Oh geez. Go away....

I can't believe my baby is going to preschool already. He had his first day yesterday, very emotional for me. I got him all ready, he had his back pack on and lunchpail in hand. He went out the door with his Papa, about 1/2 way down the walk he turned around and waved good-bye to me, then he hopped in the car and Papa got in and they drove off. I cried. I felt so silly, but I couldn't help it. I just cried and thought about the day he was born and how small he was. Where in the world does the time go?? It's already been four years since he was born? You can be serious, I mean, he's still my baby. It's hard to believe, obviously, but it's even harder to accept. He had a great day. When he got home and told me all about his day... I wasn't sure if I should feel better or worse. I mean, he had a lot of fun and he wants to go back, and that's what I'm supposed to want him to say... right? :S I'm sure I'll figure out my emotions, until then I...

I was doing just fine up until last week. Then I stopped eating breakfast. It seemed like I didn't have time, or by the time I remembered it was almost lunch. I was eating almost all my weight watchers points, but it was almost all junk. Woe is me. I was sabotaging myself again. :) I still lost one pound, but I would much rather lose the 2 1/2 - 3 lbs I was losing in the weeks before. So my short term goal this week? Get back to eating properly and eating my BREAKFAST!!! All my other thoughts were about an exercise goal, or some sort of tracking goal... this time, just get BACK on track is my goal. Whew. That and determining if my dayhome boys are going to work out with me or not. :( Seems like the older one is just too aggressive for his own good. He's constantly hitting, taking toys away, yelling at the other kids, throwing food and drinks, etc. I'm pretty sure he's partially pushing my buttons. But my fear is that this is all too much just him. It's his personali...

Seems like I have will power after all. :) I was able to go out a few times this week and NOT get something from a fast food place. It might not seem like much to most people, but I'm not most people. I have a strange weakness for fast food. It's odd and I don't understand it all the time. But it's there and I was able to ignore it while I was out. I no longer visit the grocery store while hungry, I don't give in to any cravings unless it's for something healthy and I don't eat and eat and eat while at home. I do have the odd desire to eat a chocolate bar or something, but if I do have it, I have it and move on. It's not controlling me like it once did. It's nice. I hope that the rest of my journey is similar to this. Where I can control myself and my hunger. A lot of what I'm going through seems to be mental. It's all in my head and if I can get a hang on it, I'm set. I've got an ultimate goal for myself. 100lbs. :) That's right,...

Over the last few days, I've been having weak moments. Mostly when I'm by myself. When Sylvain, or the boys are with me, I seem to be stronger. As soon as I'm by myself, I start have arguments with my own brain. Yikes. I know. I went to Toys 'R Us yesterday to pick up a few things, and I had a few other stops first. Get gas in the RAV and get something from AMA, no biggie right? Wrong. I filled the car, and headed over to AMA. I started telling myself how nice it would be to have an Iced Capp, it's such a warm day, why not have a little one... no, you can't, you'll ruin all your work. Okay, I won't, but what about getting something from McDonalds? No, you can't do that either, that's bad. Well, if I go to Tim's and JUST get the Iced Capp... and it went on and on like that. Sheesh. In the end, I made it to Toys 'R Us without stopping at any fast food joints. Once I got in there, I thought, whew, I'm okay now. No, not so much. I hovered...

Well... like the title says, it's a new week. It's time for a new start and probably new worries, but hey, it's all about new. :D I've been getting more and more interest in my dayhome, that makes me feel good. I've even had somebody from Liverpool, United Kingdom, e-mail me about it. If THAT isn't odd, I don't know what is. They're coming over in September for a month long missionary work. And because of that they need a few hours of child care each day. I don't know if it's some sort of hoax or not, but I'm trying to believe in honest human nature and not something sinister. Nowadays, that's hard to do, but hey, everything isn't evil. Aside from that, I'm going to try and have a better outlook for this week. It's not something I'm used to. Optimism that is. I'm usually very pessimistic and unable to see the good in anything. But I'm trying to be hopeful and upbeat, that way losing weight will be easier. Mmmph... ...

Did you ever start something and it starts out great? Looks like things are going to go well and smooth? Have a few minor bumps? Then suddenly it seems like the heavens and all the powers in the universe are working against you? TRYING to get you to give up? Oh yea. That's me now. I'm feeling the stress of starting a dayhome. It feels like I'm been stretched beyond my skin's ability, it's not a good feeling. Then I feel the pain of my Dad. He's worried, he's stressed, he's not doing so well... what do I do there? I can only help so much and it's all emotional. I feel helpless. What do you do when this happens? What do I do? I write. I paint. I cry by myself, when no-one else is around. I tell myself the most absurd things, it'll get better, when you hit bottom you can only go up, blah blah blah. I'm not sure if I actually believe myself, but it almost feels better to tell myself all these stupid cliches. All that I can really do is hope. That...

Tonight is my second weight watchers meeting. I'm looking forward to the next step. I think I've figured out my total weight loss goal. Not really advertising it yet, I'm not sure how much I want to let people know... as a friend of mine said, "It's sort of like telling people you're going to quit smoking. When it doesn't happen they keep reminding you that you should be quitting." Not something I want to go through. But I'm very much confident in my ability to stick to my guns this time. I'm determined and have a LOT of support from friends and family. This past weekend I passed my CPR & First Aid in child care course. I was pretty stoked about that. Sort of makes it seem like I can do anything. I'll write some more later tonight or maybe tomorrow morning. Record what happened, how I did, etc. :D I'm super happy. :D

Well, today is day 3 of being on Weight Watchers. I think I'm doing alright. Yesterday I ate a piece of cake, I shouldn't have, but I wrote it down in my journal and recorded the points. It's kind of nice that you can eat whatever you want, but you have to count for it. I think I'm going to be more successful on this than LA Weightloss. That program worked, but it only worked REALLY for you if you used their protein bars. Which Sylvain and I didn't want to, it was so expensive. But with WW it's all your food, and if you want to use their snacks and stuff, it's all optional! I'm stoked and excited! :D I'm still getting my goals together, I'm slowly figuring out what my total weightloss goal will be. I don't want it to be outrageous and unattainable, but I want to be a LOT less than I am now. So I'll figure that out in a week or so maybe. I think this will be a good thing. Sylvain wants to lose weight, and my boys will be so much better for...

... am overweight. I currently weigh 261 lbs. My BMI is 49, and it should be under 25. According to the BMI chart, I should weigh less than 132 lbs to be considered a healthy weight for my height. My entire adult life, I've been overweight. It's never been this bad. I've always had a certain self-image, I'm heavy, but it's not that bad. That changed. The moment I realized that Sylvain accepts my size, I was devastated. I knew he did, but when you realize it while in an intimate moment, it makes you think twice. I love that he can see me as beautiful, but I hate that he has come to accept it as I have. I'm tired of being heavy. I'm tired of not having energy. I'm tired of shopping in the 'plus' section. I'm tired of what I see in the mirror. Starting today, it changes. I need all the support and encouragement I can get. I will be keeping track of my progress on paper and online. I will have goals, small ones, silly ones and, of course, ones th...