A glimpse into my personal insanity

So Sylvain and I were goofing around yesterday, I was pretending to punch him, he the same, etc etc. Well, he went and poked me. Right in the stomach. Suddenly he stopped. He looked at my stomach and poked it again. He said. Huh, there're muscles there. It's a little creepy, I haven't felt your stomach hard like that since you were pregnant. I wasn't sure what to say. It was a compliment. But in a weird way. I was excited tho, it means that all that work I'm putting into it is actually paying off! To the point that others can see/feel it! I actually walked up to Jasmine (my neighbor) and told her, poke me! She laughed, but she did, and she said wow! MUSCLES!! Again, very excited. I'm seeing results after only 2 weeks of the bootcamp. Not necessarily weightloss, but muscle build up, my face is slimming down, my stomach is getting some GOOD shape to it! Awesomeness... totally awesome... :) And now the weather is turning for the better, it should be even be...

There are words, I'm sure, to express the feeling I had after tonight's workout session. But I didn't have them in me when I finished. I cried. I cried and was hugged by 7 women that were truly proud of me, and they barely know me. The feeling was amazing. Tonight was what our trainer calls "adventure day"... which mean we're going to jog, and when we think we can't go on, we'll jog some more. We ran a 5km round trip. From Sandy beach, across a bridge over the resevoir, across 14th street, stop and back again. Out of 5km, I ran about 80% of it ... I RAN it... not walked, not speed walked... I jogged . And do you know what? I didn't run out of breath , my knees didn't hurt because of my braces, my legs hurt but I kept going... I passed all the "skinny" people there, not once, not twice, but four times. They were all walking and chatting and socializing, and I jogged right past them. It was awesome. I got lots of support from eve...

"...I love myself today, Not like yesterday. I'm cool, I'm calm I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh! I love myself today, Not like yesterday. Take another look at me now 'Cause it's your last look, Your last look forever!..." I can say that I'm starting to like myself. And it's the honest truth. For a long time I didn't. For a long time I don't think I could. The thing about having a "sense of humour" you can make people see things that aren't there. They see confidence, self-esteem, out going personalities... but between you and me... it was a lie. For a very long time it was a lie. I would always tell people how much I didn't care about what others thought about me... you know... that song and dance that you always want to believe but don't really. Somewhere deep down inside, I wanted to be accepted, seen as more than just a "good person", to be adored. It's hard to admit this out loud, so to speak, but I...

Oh. My. God. That hurt. One hour of pure torture . And the best part? I'm going back tomorrow. Oh yea. I'm officially insane . Absolutely nuts . Bonkers . Off my rocker ... and I love it! I got to my class and they were doing a fitness test. One minute of push ups, one minute of sit ups, plank, wall sit, and 10min walk/run... oh yea... I suck. No. Really. I suck. I can't do a single sit up. Not one. I tried, holy crap I tried. Supposed to put your hands by your temple and pull up to your knees. Nope, not gonna happen. I tried to put my hands flat at my sides, nope, still not gonna happen. I tried to launch myself up, STILL didn't happen. So on my fitness test, I wrote zero... oh yea... zero in the column. I so suck. Here it comes... BUT.... I'm proud of myself for going. I'm proud of myself for trying. And I'm damn happy that I'm going to keep trying until I can actually do it! There is nothing I can do about not being fit right NOW... but as...

Did you ever get something you wanted, that you've wanted for so long, and when you got it you were scared? I mean, terrified? Because you're not sure what comes next? I'm at that point in my weightloss. For the past 7 or 8 years, I've been heavier than 220lbs... now I'm not. I'm officially 218lbs ... oh my gosh. When I got on the scale and saw that I could believe my eyes. I had to get off, wash my face and get back on. Sure enough, 218lbs. I was shocked! I had done it... I'm lighter than I was when I got married 7 years ago . Holy crap.... Now what? I mean, I know that I keep going, I keep fighting to get this weight off and more so to KEEP it off. But what's my next goal? 210? 200? I've never been in a position where I thought I would get here, let alone be in a position to make ANOTHER goal to reach. I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified. I'm scared I'll get complacent and gain it back. I'm scared that I'm drea...