A glimpse into my personal insanity

So I've been suffering. By "me" I mean my family. About 10 months ago I decided to make a lot of changes. School, career, kids, etc. It was a lot all at once. My thoughts? I hate change, can't stand it, so I do it all at once then it'll be over faster right? Wrong. At the same time my depression and anxiety went through the roof. I knew the anxiety would, change and all, it was inevitable. The depression however, took me by surprise, sort of... if you have it you know what I mean.. if you don't... well... It's like knowing that you're going to step on something sharp, you KNOW you will, the floor is covered in glass. But you walk through anyway, and it's not the first, second or third step. You don't know really when, but when it hits you... BAM.. it's surprising, but not really. I ramble. I thought with time things would get better. Getting used to change takes time. However, over the past 6 months, things have gotten worse.

After almost seven years I'm closing my dayhome. I've had the same girl with me for four of those years. None of my kids were with me less than a year. It's amazing how attached you get to other peoples children. Finding the courage to tell the parents I was closing was the most difficult thing I've ever ever had to do. I know it won't be the last difficult thing, and I know that there will be moments in my life that will not even compare to this. For now, this is my life. I cry at the thought of losing these kids. I smile at the thought of working outside my home again. I get upset when I think of all the things I'm going to miss with this. I laugh at the thought of getting my art "studio" back. I am conflicted emotionally. My husband, my boys, they've got my back. They're supportive and encouraging. I've got wonderful family and friends to help me through this. It is a selfish thing of me to feel this way, however, I need to