A glimpse into my personal insanity

 Time flies when there's a pandemic and you're in out of school care. I swear I just made the previous post the other day, not three weeks ago! So much has happened, but before we even begin to talk about that, let's discuss some topics that I want to go over. The next few posts that I create will be centered around behaviour. Yes, I know, everyone talks about behaviour and how it's linked to feelings, situations, peers, caregivers, weather, meals, etc. Really it all is. However, there is so much more to it than.. Joe hit Sue because he was angry that she took his truck. While Joe is probably very angry and did indeed hit her for that reason, is there something else? Should we be helping him unpack and determine where those feelings came from? So much can be learned. After that I hope to go over observation vs supervision. Yes. There is indeed a difference. Maybe not to most, but if you have intent and purpose as motivation to watch what the children do and how they int...

 It's been four years since I've created a post. Holy man, time flies. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. Including living through a pandemic. I could start writing about my lapse in mental stability, how it lead me down a dark path and has taken me a very long time to get back. Or I could touch on the fact that Jerome was assessed and diagnosed with ADHD and processing delay, and that Xavier is going to be assessed for ASD giftedness. Maybe I should talk about the pandemic and all that has changed as a result of that. Nah. We don't need life updates from me. This blog is going to be taking a turn. It's going to go from a place for me to vent and expel my demons and issues, to a place of support and encouragement. One thing over the past four years that I have done is graduate from Bow Valley College in the Early Childhood Education and Development program. I am now an ECE Level 3, and on top of that I took the MacEwan University Flight Curriculum course. I have lea...

So I've been suffering. By "me" I mean my family. About 10 months ago I decided to make a lot of changes. School, career, kids, etc. It was a lot all at once. My thoughts? I hate change, can't stand it, so I do it all at once then it'll be over faster right? Wrong. At the same time my depression and anxiety went through the roof. I knew the anxiety would, change and all, it was inevitable. The depression however, took me by surprise, sort of... if you have it you know what I mean.. if you don't... well... It's like knowing that you're going to step on something sharp, you KNOW you will, the floor is covered in glass. But you walk through anyway, and it's not the first, second or third step. You don't know really when, but when it hits you... BAM.. it's surprising, but not really. I ramble. I thought with time things would get better. Getting used to change takes time. However, over the past 6 months, things have gotten worse. ...

After almost seven years I'm closing my dayhome. I've had the same girl with me for four of those years. None of my kids were with me less than a year. It's amazing how attached you get to other peoples children. Finding the courage to tell the parents I was closing was the most difficult thing I've ever ever had to do. I know it won't be the last difficult thing, and I know that there will be moments in my life that will not even compare to this. For now, this is my life. I cry at the thought of losing these kids. I smile at the thought of working outside my home again. I get upset when I think of all the things I'm going to miss with this. I laugh at the thought of getting my art "studio" back. I am conflicted emotionally. My husband, my boys, they've got my back. They're supportive and encouraging. I've got wonderful family and friends to help me through this. It is a selfish thing of me to feel this way, however, I need to...

I haven't blogged in a while. There's been nothing really to say. Life got really busy at the beginning of September... I mean... CRAZY BUSY... Scouts started up again, school, taekwondo, gymnastics, fundraising... my goodness... we're in the thick of it... While all of those things could bring a "blog worthy" post, there's something else I want to talk about. I have a child. He's seven years old. He's a boy. Definitely. Loves guns, getting dirty, trucks, cars, airplanes, emojis, pink and purple... wait... what?!? You mean to tell me boys can like things that may be meant for girls?? Holy shit. No way. We went shopping for clothes for school. Do you think we could find ANYTHING in the boys section that had emojis on it? He loves emojis. I have no idea why, but his favorite one is the one with the hearts in the eyes.... We went over to the girls section. EMOJIS GALORE. I mean it! Pants, purses, sweaters, longs sleeve shirts, short sleeve ...

It's been a little bit since my last post. I didn't think I had anything to write about. I guess I was wrong. I go out to the dog park to walk my dog (duh) and enjoy walking and seeing all the fluffies. Make me quite happy to do so. Yesterday the kids and I went and walked for an hour and a half. We did one loop, walk down to the river, walked back did another loop then went home. I was shocked at how long we had gone for! I wasn't out of breath, my feet/knees/hips didn't hurt, it was amazing! I wish that's where it could end. Just there. It'd be better if it did. But that's not where it ends. Unfortunately some jerk excuse of a human being decided to call out to me... "YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARING THOSE SHORTS!!!"... Devastation. Embarrassment. Humiliation. If I could have crawled under the big rock in the field, I would have. My boys didn't really hear it, luckily they were too engaged with a little brown fluffy dog that was...

Let's face it. I'm honest. Albeit a little TOO honest, but at least I don't lie to you about what's going on. I procrastinate. I obsess. I control. I care. I share... everything. All that and more. I've told many people about my weight loss surgery. Only because some of them would've found out anyway, so why not hear it from the horses mouth... so to speak. This way if they have questions they can ask, and I can see their reaction first hand. There have been a few people that while they seem supportive are not REALLY supportive.... let me explain. My friends .... the ones that care about me and not about comparing our bodies.... will say: how are you? how are you feeling? My friends ... the ones that care about me but are very curious about comparing our bodies... will say: how are you? how much have you lost so far? Seem innocent? Yes. It does. Until you see their reaction. I've lost 66lbs so far. Yes! 66lbs! Holy crap! When I mention how much...

I debated this post. This is a difficult thing for me. However, with this journey, this new chapter of the rest of my life... I feel I need to share the good, the bad AND the ugly. Hair loss. It's a very real side effect of weight loss surgery. Mine has hit me and I finally started to notice it. My sister (whom I love so very very much) knew it would hit me hard, so she encouraged me to buy Rogaine for women and head it off. No pun intended. Well. Maybe a little. I started using it and it seems to be working. I've got some fuzz on the top of my head. When I was taking selfies of my face today I noticed something rather odd. My forehead seemed to have grown. I was confused. Then I looked down and took a photo of the top of my head. This is what I saw: I would not do well bald. All I do in the summer is burn! It's not that hard to see. Near the front of my hairline, where my bangs would be, you can see a whole lot of scalp there. And as it turns out, m...

Sometimes it takes someone to point out the complete and utter obvious to you before it finally sinks in. You know, a grandmother telling you that you're doing the wrong crochet stitch because just look at the darn picture, a husband saying maybe the yeast is no good because your bread turned out WAY denser than it usually does... Or maybe a friend that hasn't seen you in 5-6 months and she decides to take a picture of you at your heaviest and a picture she snapped of you at supper and post them both to Facebook. When you see exactly how much weight you've lost and how you look to the rest of the world, suddenly it hits you. Wow. I've really lost a bunch of weight. Up until now I've been denying a little bit, ok a lot, that I have really lost any weight. Yes, the scale said I did, yes my clothes said I did and even my family & friends tell me I have... but denial is a very powerful thing. I look in the mirror and still see my old self. That's it. Just me...

You know when you get to a certain size and you can walk into a few stores and just pick out the shirts or pants that will work for you because you know your size. You know your body, you know what looks good and what doesn't. This past weekend I walked into my regular plus size garment store and was armed with a few coupons. I was interested in getting a few new items for my almost bare closet. I tried on a dozen or so shirts, 4-5 bras, some dresses and pants. The ONLY things that fit were the bras. Nothing else fit, I was putting on the smallest size that the store carried and it didn't fit right at all. I walked out of there with almost nothing. I have to start shopping in the regular stores now. EEK! I had this sudden realization that I DON'T KNOW MY BODY ANYMORE!!! It was disheartening and absolutely wonderful all at the same time. My highest weight in 2010 was 261 lbs , prior to surgery my weight was 236lbs , now, 2.5 months later I'm down to 183lbs . Ov...

I'm under 200lbs. Did you read that? Yes, yes you did. I'm UNDER 200lbs. The last time I weighed this much... I can't even remember the last time I weighed this much. Over a decade, at least. I stepped on my scale a little while ago and it said 199.6lbs. I thought, nah, it's broken, no way, not this soon. Sure enough. Step on the scale a few days later, 198lbs. I can't believe how quickly this weight has come off. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. However. With it comes some mental and emotional anguish. I still see myself as 230+ lbs. I'm wearing most of my same clothes, they fit a bit looser, I've had to stop wearing a few pairs of pants, they're WAY too loose. But I look in the mirror and I still see the same "fat girl" that was there at the beginning of December. However, when I don't have any clothes on, my skin is loose. Very loose. My boys commented how "wrinkly" my skin looks now. Parts of m...

I am two weeks post-op. I had surgery on December 30th, 2015 and as of today I was allowed to have soft foods! YAY! I'll be honest, I had half an egg last night. HAHA. Doesn't seem like much... it isn't really... I boiled an egg, cut it in half, took 15min to eat it and I was full. Like holy sh*t, that's it?? For breakfast I was lucky to get down a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, lunch was another half egg, I was stuffed! I mean, it felt like if I took another bite I would toss my cookies (or egg). Supper? Supper I sort of treated myself. My husband and kids ordered pizza. At this point I did the unthinkable. I took the toppings OFF the pizza and put them in a bowl. Then I threw out the pizza slice that was just dough. I didn't even think of it, just did it. HA! HOLY COW! What's going on?!? I was able to eat about half of the toppings, cheese, mushroom, green pepper, black olives and a tiny bit of Italian sausage. I have to say, it took 20min to eat that ha...

I did it! On December 30th, 2015 I was sleeved by a young doctor at the Peter Lougheed Centre, here in Calgary. He's young but is very knowledgeable about what he does. I was very at ease putting my future in his hands. So this is Part 2 of a blog I started where I've been accused, openly, of having surgery as the easy way out. What a horrible thing to say, yet, I don't think the accuser really understood why their comment was so hurtful. For over a decade I've struggled with my weight. Up, down, up, down.. success, fail, success, fail fail.... it's all there. The highest I ever was just after pregnancy was 284lbs. I managed to get down to 261lbs, and I stayed there for a very long time. A photo of myself made me want to change, very much so, I joined weight watchers! I lost 45lbs, it felt amazing. That feeling faded. After 2yrs of paying them weekly I was at my wits end. I lost all my 45lbs in the first 9mos with them, and spent the next year and a bit trying a...

I'm on day nine of this liquid pre-op diet, and like the title says, everyone is alive and well... or at the very least, they're alive. After nine days I've discovered a few things about myself. Not all of it is flattering. 1) I like food. I don't love it. I don't need it. However, I do enjoy it. I miss the tastes, textures and flavours that food offers. For some strange reason, lettuce is on top of that list. 2) Emotional eating is not limited to anger and sadness. In the nine days I've been on Ensure and clear fluids I still need to parent. I'm a mom and need to make sure my kids stay in line. When I get frustrated with them or am upset at them or if I'm relieved or happy or any other emotion you can think of that involves my children, I eat. I have something, candy or fruit, doesn't matter, I have something. in the last nine days I've had to just deal with my shit in order for things to keep flowing. 3) I'm not as tough as I let ...

It's day 3 on this liquid pre-op diet. Geez. It feels like my world is falling down around me. I keep dropping stuff, forgetting things, I lack concentration, I'm tired and grumpy. Some little voice in my head keeps telling me that I got this, I can do it, keep going... It's very quiet, almost inaudible but there... What the hell am I doing? Did I really think I could do this? For some reason it seems like that light at the end of the tunnel is not there anymore. Two full days and part of today. That's it, that's all I've done for liquid diet. I've got 18 more days... What the hell was I thinking. People on support sites and such keep saying, oh, positive thinking, that's all it takes, keep your hands and mind busy, it'll go by quickly...  Bullshit. It's easy to claim things don't bother you when you're typing words on a keyboard, when you have to face people and try to make those same claims it's a whole other world. I don...

Almost two years ago I got a referral from my doctor to the Calgary Weight Loss Clinic. I went in there thinking that it was just a "prerequisite" to the surgery that I was seeking. What I learned was it is so much more than that. I learned why my body is the way it is, why we are in that constant up and down state with our weight. I learned that not everyone wants or even NEEDS surgery to be successful. I made new friends and found some unlikely ones. The support system is amazing and the staff are very knowledgeable. I learn that some of the most important victories don't involve a scale. In the nearly two years part of the program, I didn't lose any weight. HOWEVER, I didn't gain weight. Which to me is a HUGE thing. I was so happy that I was maintaining, albeit a heavy weight, I was maintaining. My goal was still surgery. But I started to see it in a different light. I saw it once as my solution, my only option, my way out. After classes and many discussion...

Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just sit down and give up? Even for just a half hour? So that it's not so fast paced and go go go go?? I got a referral to the weight management clinic here in Calgary back in February of 2014... in May I had my first meeting with one of the nurses. Over that summer I proceeded to complete the 6 mandatory classes in order to become a candidate for bariatric surgery. I had monthly appointments and blood work and all sorts of other things after that. This past summer, 2015, I managed to get my second and final case study by the program. It seems as though I had slipped through the cracks momentarily as others that started after me had surgery dates already. I was disappointed and very discouraged. In October I was scheduled to meet the newest surgeon on the team, he's young and very enthusiastic about it. His knowledge and willing to answer any and all my questions left me feeling confident in my decision to get the gastric...

A year ago, yesterday, the world was robbed of one of the funniest and most sincere men around. The heavens gained another star, but our lives were left a bit emptier, a hole where his presence would've been.         Robin Williams took his own life as a result of dementia, Parkinson's and depression. A sad fact is that up to 15% of those clinically depressed will die by their own hands. Depression accompanies other illnesses and conditions often. Up to 50% of Parkinson's patients will experience some level of depression. There is so much information about depression, yet, people are scared and/or unwilling to talk about it. Obviously I didn't know Mr. Williams personally. But he had a huge impact on my little life. He was funny, charming and not always well liked. I loved all his movies (yes, all of them) and I became obsessed with watching all of them... and as I got older, his stand up routines. Many an hour on YouTube I've spent searching him. ...

Wow. It's been a LOOONG time since I've last blogged. It feels like nothing has happened worth noting, but I guess a lot has happened. I was extremely depressed this past month. It felt like I was at a stand-still or a stalemate and couldn't do anything about it. Made me anxious and angry all at once. Last June I started with the Calgary Weight Loss Clinic. There were six classes I had to take, along with a few extra, and meetings with dietitians, nurses and psychologists I had to take. All so I could get on the bariatric surgery (weight loss surgery) list with AHS. It was such a process, it still is. Amidst all the appointments I had a lull in meetings. There was a good 6 weeks before I had another meeting with the dietitian. During that time it seemed like every EXCEPT me was getting their surgery dates. I am part of three or four AMAZING groups on Facebook that connect me with others on the same journey as I am. A lot are in different stages and some are in the s...

Did you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? You don't feel "into" it? You just want to go lie down and wait for it to pass? How about more than one day like that? How about an entire MONTH? So I did a blog entry for day 10 of switching to Prozac. You can read that one here . I didn't blog after that, I couldn't. There was nothing I could write that would make everything seem better. Things got really bad, I mean REALLY bad around day 13 . That was the day if the world had ended I would've been ok with that. Not happy, not upset, just ok. It was shit. Nobody should feel like that. Ever. Not ever . Around day 20 things started to seem better, I had a small dose adjustment before that, so things were a bit better. Then after day 26 I started to feel like I was myself again. As difficult as it was to switch from Cipralex to Prozac I'm glad I did. The process reminded me of who I am when I do not have the medication in my system....