A glimpse into my personal insanity

I had a doctors appointment to regarding bariatric surgery. I needed to know if she would give me a referral to have it covered by Alberta Health Care. Let me tell you something about me first. I'm, by nature, a pessimist . I never EVER expect anything good to happen to me. I never get my hopes up. I don't wish for things. I figure if I expect the worst and that doesn't happen, then I'm on the up side right? Well, you probably figure that's how MOST people operate, so big whoop. But I be most people don't expect their wedding to be cancelled. Or that they're going to crash their care each time they drive it. Or that their kids are suddenly going to start hating them for some unknown reason. No. That's just me and my screwed up view of my life. But this time. This was one of those FEW times I allowed myself to be ever so slightly hopeful. There I was... sitting in the doctors office I was trying to prepare myself for the conversation ...

I've all but given up on losing weight. I stopped running a while ago. My knees hurt too much and my ankles were taking a beating. I stopped going to weight watchers meetings because I was stuck at a plateau for almost a year and a half... who wants to pay $16 a week to NOT lose weight? I stopped going to the gym 5-6 nights a week because I have a second "job" babysitting during the evening. And most depressing... I stopped believing in myself . Years ago when I first realized I was 261 lbs I looked into getting some sort of liposuction, oh yes I did... but that was lazy, hasn't tried alot of options me. It was a brief glimpse with no real result. My next step? Exercise. But with no-one telling me how to go about it, it was a waste of time. Then... LA weightloss... then various forms of supplements.... then Weight Watchers... by far my biggest success... and more exercise - this time with a trainer and online searching... My lowest since then has b...

After tracking my 'triggers' for the past 3 or 4 days I've discovered two things. Well, actually, one thing I knew I just didn't realize how much, and the other was a bit of a revelation. 1) I yell. I yell a lot. This isn't exactly new. I was aware that I yell. I knew that I yelled a lot. It sucks and I don't like it. Hence The Orange Rhino challenge to the rescue!! 2) When I yell, the common denominator is me. What I mean by this is that when I yell it's always about me. The kids aren't listening to ME . The kids were bothering ME . And every time I yelled it seemed as though I was uncomfortable in some way, shape or form. I don't yell at my kids in public. At least not very much because I want others to think I'm a patient and loving mother. Which I know I am, as long as it's convenient for me... well, that's not right. Not right at all. It's not a HUGE blog today. But it's a powerful one for me. I was a little shock...

So normally I read these blogs and then dismiss them as some weird new age way to raise your kids without having to WORK at it. But then I read it... I mean I READ it. I yell at my kids too much. I know I do. I yell for no reason. I yell for a reason. I yell for a good reason and sometimes a selfish reason. I have good boys. They are usually very well behaved. For the most part anyway. For their age (7 and almost 4) they're very respectful, polite, compassionate, have a certain amount of empathy, and are very sociable. What more could I ask for right? I ask for more all the time. Sometimes an unreasonable expectation that I know they cannot achieve, but I expect them to do it anyway. I read a line in this blog that rang very true with me. I realized that I don’t yell in the presence of others because I want them to believe I am a loving and patient mom. Oh geez. That's me. Actually that's a lot of mom's, but this is my epiphany, not theirs! I have people b...

Wow. Nine years... NINE years... that's not a lot right? Let's put this in perspective, shall we? Nine years ago I was 23yrs old. My sister? Oh, well, she was 14 and my brother was 21. I had JUST graduated from SAIT, and started working at a company I would come to LOVE for the following six years. Oh and what else, that's almost a DECADE people... a freakin' DECADE!!! I've been with Sylvain for fourteen years. Oh yea baby, FOURTEEN years altogether. Want perspective? That's almost half my life. I've been with one man for almost half my life. Want to know what I've learned in nine years of marriage and fourteen years with the same man? I'm not perfect, but that's awesome. Let me explain this. Most women would go on and on about how much they've changed their man, and how much they've put up with, and blah blah blah BLAH! Me? No. I've done a lot more changing than I ever thought possible. When I was younger my mother to...

So what do you do when you buy something fully aware that it might not work for you but you go thru it anyway? I got a little side tracked last week and the week before. The flood in Calgary has taken it's toll on everyone's personal lives. Everything has been put on hold for about a week and a half, and now it's clean up time! Finding ways to volunteer when you run a dayhome is difficult. The hours you're needed are the hours you work, and the hours you don't work there's not much to do for the rest of the day! But I digress. This blog is supposed to be about the miracle pill I bought a while back. Now, it's only been a few weeks and I haven't been able to exercise because of other commitments, but I should be getting back on track soon. I haven't lost any weight. I've been pretty good at sticking within my weight watchers points, and taking my two pills every day, and I've GAINED weight. I'm actually up... I don't know, I ha...

I'm a mom. I have two lovely boys. I've had to put one of them in a dayhome, he was there for almost a year. Then daycare and after that preschool. The one thing I understand more than anything. Separation anxiety. I'm not really talking about the what the child goes through. But what the parent goes through. The guilt that you feel for leaving your child. The frustration you feel for not being able to stay home and take care of them yourself. The anger that comes from realizing that your child may call someone else "mommy/daddy" or do something better for another person than you! But... And there's always a but... When your child has some level of separation anxiety as well? You should put your feeling aside and help them deal with theirs. They feel what you feel, they can sense your emotions on a level that we as adults have lost touch with. This does NOT mean hang out at the front door of the dayhome for a half hour chatting about your weekend...