A glimpse into my personal insanity

So I'm not normally a shy person. I mean, I was really... like REALLY introverted and shy when I was younger, but now I'm pretty outgoing. I have a great sense of humour, ok, so to ME it's a great sense of humour. But I can tailor it to my audience. Depending on who I'm hanging out with at the time. I like to think of myself as organized, fun... a people pleaser. It took a long time for me to finally realize I'm just as important as the next person. I am worth the attention that I give myself. A good haircut (an amazing haircut), a gym membership, etc etc. But it's not like I saw the best me on my own. Nope, I would've never seen my worth without help. My husband, my kids... they were a step in the right direction, okay, so a shove in the right direction. But the thing that helped me most? My most inspiring muse? My friends. One in particular. I don't know what she thought of me when we first met, but I remember thinking... wow... what a fake. That...

I was up until 1am last night. Painting a pinata, icing a cake and thinking of what else I need to do before the morning sunrise comes and I run out of time. Yes, I do that. I also make my kids eat his veggies before he gets cake, share his new toys with his little brother and refuse to let him play with one of those new toys for the rest of the day because of something he said to his father. Yes, I do that. I am THAT mom. And I'm damn proud of it. I refuse to be caught up in the moment of the 'birthday party'. I will not let him get away with crap just because it's his day. I don't know if it's just habit or if it's that little voice in my head. You know that one that tells me if I let him get away with stuff on 'his' day then he'll totally take advantage of that as he gets older. There are a few people that frown at me, tell me I should just let him be, try to take my attention away, etc. etc. I'm sure that some can understand where...

Have you ever wondered if you're nuts? I mean, just plain bonkers? And if you think you are, are you really? I mean, do crazy people know they're crazy or do they think they're normal and everyone else is crazy? And if they do know they're crazy, do they like it? Oh yea. That's me. I know I'm nuts, and yea, I'm okay with that. When I was younger, I was shy, very shy, and didn't want to stand out in a crowd. Now? Can't wait. Love it. Have to comment on the strangest things with strange comments. Oh yea. I'm THAT person. I think if I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't. I might be crazy, but I know that I wouldn't be where I am had I not had the journey I did. I never wanted to stand out, to be noticed, nothing like that. And to me? Being athletic was standing out... that would get me attention that I really truly didn't want. I used every excuse you could think of to get out of doing P.E. during my school days. And I mean EV...

Ever feel bad about something? Feel really bad, like you're down in the dumps and nothing's gonna make it better? That's how I felt this past Saturday. I stepped on that stupid scale and the numbers didn't change. Didn't go up, didn't go down. I was just plain frustrated. So what did I do? I went grocery shopping, of course. But I didn't buy all the junk I wanted to buy, I bought more fruit and veggies, all the good stuff you're supposed to buy. I came home and started to cry. I got hugged by Sylvain and Xavier, with Xavier telling me that I'm still the most beautiful Maman in the world. I wasn't done though. I felt the need to mourn my lack of losing weight. I started to doubt myself, doubt my own instincts. I started to wonder if all my 'better fitting clothes' were just my imagination and if maybe I was just trying to convince myself of what WASN'T happening. So that night I was just blah. Understand that I didn't over-eat,...

So Sylvain and I were goofing around yesterday, I was pretending to punch him, he the same, etc etc. Well, he went and poked me. Right in the stomach. Suddenly he stopped. He looked at my stomach and poked it again. He said. Huh, there're muscles there. It's a little creepy, I haven't felt your stomach hard like that since you were pregnant. I wasn't sure what to say. It was a compliment. But in a weird way. I was excited tho, it means that all that work I'm putting into it is actually paying off! To the point that others can see/feel it! I actually walked up to Jasmine (my neighbor) and told her, poke me! She laughed, but she did, and she said wow! MUSCLES!! Again, very excited. I'm seeing results after only 2 weeks of the bootcamp. Not necessarily weightloss, but muscle build up, my face is slimming down, my stomach is getting some GOOD shape to it! Awesomeness... totally awesome... :) And now the weather is turning for the better, it should be even be...

There are words, I'm sure, to express the feeling I had after tonight's workout session. But I didn't have them in me when I finished. I cried. I cried and was hugged by 7 women that were truly proud of me, and they barely know me. The feeling was amazing. Tonight was what our trainer calls "adventure day"... which mean we're going to jog, and when we think we can't go on, we'll jog some more. We ran a 5km round trip. From Sandy beach, across a bridge over the resevoir, across 14th street, stop and back again. Out of 5km, I ran about 80% of it ... I RAN it... not walked, not speed walked... I jogged . And do you know what? I didn't run out of breath , my knees didn't hurt because of my braces, my legs hurt but I kept going... I passed all the "skinny" people there, not once, not twice, but four times. They were all walking and chatting and socializing, and I jogged right past them. It was awesome. I got lots of support from eve...

"...I love myself today, Not like yesterday. I'm cool, I'm calm I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh! I love myself today, Not like yesterday. Take another look at me now 'Cause it's your last look, Your last look forever!..." I can say that I'm starting to like myself. And it's the honest truth. For a long time I didn't. For a long time I don't think I could. The thing about having a "sense of humour" you can make people see things that aren't there. They see confidence, self-esteem, out going personalities... but between you and me... it was a lie. For a very long time it was a lie. I would always tell people how much I didn't care about what others thought about me... you know... that song and dance that you always want to believe but don't really. Somewhere deep down inside, I wanted to be accepted, seen as more than just a "good person", to be adored. It's hard to admit this out loud, so to speak, but I...