I'm not scared anymore

A year ago, yesterday, the world was robbed of one of the funniest and most sincere men around. The heavens gained another star, but our lives were left a bit emptier, a hole where his presence would've been.

 

 

 

 

Robin Williams took his own life as a result of dementia, Parkinson's and depression. A sad fact is that up to 15% of those clinically depressed will die by their own hands. Depression accompanies other illnesses and conditions often. Up to 50% of Parkinson's patients will experience some level of depression. There is so much information about depression, yet, people are scared and/or unwilling to talk about it.

Obviously I didn't know Mr. Williams personally. But he had a huge impact on my little life. He was funny, charming and not always well liked. I loved all his movies (yes, all of them) and I became obsessed with watching all of them... and as I got older, his stand up routines. Many an hour on YouTube I've spent searching him.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety when my oldest son was almost one. That was back in 2007. Almost nine years later I'm still on anti-depressant, anti-anxiety medication, and I don't see coming off it any time soon. Something more? I am okay with that. No, I really am I OK with that.

There is a stigma that in order to be depressed you "look sad" or "hide" from the world. While that's true with some people. It's not true with everyone. I was outgoing, loved to make people laugh, most of my humour was self-deprecating and insulting on me, but there was a lot of sarcasm in there. Nobody really knew how much I didn't want to be here.

 

Robin Williams death cemented in my mind, I'm not alone... I know that... but do others know that?

With that in mind, I've spoken to everyone, I mean EVERYONE, who will listen about depression. I share my childhood and my story with those who ask in confidence and those who might ask casually. I do NOT hide myself from anyone, and more importantly, I'm not scared anymore.

I've had more than a few people come to me to talk about what it feels like to have depression. What it was that made me get help. How did I know I needed help. All sorts of questions that initially made me want to shrug and say "I dunno". Instead, I was honest and open about my personal experience and at some point, you could see them physically change. Suddenly, they weren't alone either.

There is still a certain stigma out there about mental illness... I'm not crazy. I'm not on "happy pills". I don't sit in a dark room and plot revenge on the world. I found a photo that explained my particular situation very well.

 

 

Imagine what it's like to have to explain to your children when they are only 4 & 7 why you are the way you are. Why the medication you take is so very important for everyone, not just you. That yelling, as scary as it can be, is the only way that maman knows how to cope sometimes with her anger. That sometimes, leaving maman alone, is the only way she can deal with change.

My children know more about mental illness than some people will ever know. They know that Mr. Williams took his life and why he did. They understand that when I cried over his death it is because it is a situation so very similar to mine.

The point of this blog? Take from it what you will. Know that you're not alone in this world. There are more resources and ways to connect with others that understand what you're going through. Reach out, talk until you have nothing to talk about, and then... keep talking.