A glimpse into my personal insanity

Did you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? You don't feel "into" it? You just want to go lie down and wait for it to pass? How about more than one day like that? How about an entire MONTH? So I did a blog entry for day 10 of switching to Prozac. You can read that one here . I didn't blog after that, I couldn't. There was nothing I could write that would make everything seem better. Things got really bad, I mean REALLY bad around day 13 . That was the day if the world had ended I would've been ok with that. Not happy, not upset, just ok. It was shit. Nobody should feel like that. Ever. Not ever . Around day 20 things started to seem better, I had a small dose adjustment before that, so things were a bit better. Then after day 26 I started to feel like I was myself again. As difficult as it was to switch from Cipralex to Prozac I'm glad I did. The process reminded me of who I am when I do not have the medication in my system.

Today is day 10 of being on Prozac. Today was NOT a good day. I woke up angry and tired and scared. The day passed by in a blink. I yelled... a lot. I cried... a lot. I laughed... at inappropriate times. What. The. Hell. So, I ended up on Dr. Google. What I failed to find out in my first two days of "research" was that Prozac can take between 2-6 weeks to feel the full effect of the anti-depressant. I naturally thought that being on one anti-depressant meant that when I started a different one, I would feel very little in the change. Holy shit was I wrong. I dug a little deeper and found both are SSRI's ( selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) they are not all that different. It just seem to be the concentrations. Cipralex is a bit more potent, when compared to Prozac (this is from a few sources), but as I stated in my last blog, Prozac has a LONGER half-life. meaning it stays in the system longer than Cipralex. Being more potent doesn't mean it w

So... as most of you that actually read my blog... I'm on anti-depressants / anti-anxiety  meds and have been for a very long time now. This entry will be disorganized and babble off and on... sort of like most of my important thoughts! So bear with me... Going on 8 years. EIGHT years I've been on the same thing, the same dose and it's been great. I still have mood swings now and then, but they go away... at least until recently. When my oldest son was about 9mos young, I started having awful awful thoughts. At least, now I know they're awful thoughts. To me it was perfectly normal to wonder what would happen if I drove into that concrete barrier going 100km/h. I never wanted to hurt my son or my husband. I just didn't want to... BE anymore. It was hard to admit then, a little less hard to admit now. I share my store with many because I want people to know they're not the only ones. I've had people open up to me about their own depression struggles an

Have you met my son? Yes? Good. Have you had a meal with him in attendance? Yes? Awesome. Have you noticed he's a "picky" eater? Yes. Superb. Have you realized I will alter/change/add/not add/break down and give him what he'll eat? Yes? Hmmm... Have you noticed this happens time and time again and seems futile and catering? Yes? Ah... Have you wondered why I don't have a more "assertive" approach to his eating habits? Yes? Don't worry, you're not the only one. You didn't answer yes to any of these questions? Read on anyway! I'm sure I'm not alone in this blog subject!! Here's a list of 11 reasons my son will NOT eat that. 1. It has sauce on it. No, we're not talking ketchup, we're talking tomato sauce, creamy sauce, broth type sauce, cheesy sauce, pesto sauce, mild/medium/hot sauce... basically, if it runs/flows/is a liquid when not frozen... then it's considered a sauce. He will not eat it if it has s

My eldest is Xavier. Most of you know this. He attends school at Notre Dame-de-la-Paix . French catholic school. It was the best choice at the time. Small classes, french education, CATHOLIC education... both of which I cannot teach him. I'm not religious, I know the basics, but it's not enough to instill faith. But ... there's always a but... this year it has been a struggle . Not really for his part. For the part of his teacher and us, it has been a struggle . They use a system called " moodle " it's supposed to be a messaging system, homework system, etc all in one. It sucks. Like it really REALLY sucks. If you don't go on there CONSTANTLY you'll miss things they're supposed to do. The teacher doesn't always update it when they're supposed to, and you can't really ask questions about anything unless you call/email her directly and then wait for a response... which rarely happen within a week. Classes have gotten bigger even though

That's right, an old Britney Spears song comes to mind... no... not Toxic... the Ooops I did it again... Nope, not because I've been luring men with my sexy dance in school girl's clothing... Sylvain is gone this week to Las Vegas, convention and Boot Camp for work. Yes, it actually is. He said that these boot camps happen in one of two places, Las Vegas or Europe. Ok, I'll miss out on Vegas, that's fine. So I'm doing the mom&dad thing while he's gone. I've got to run the dayhome, run the house, run the kids, etc etc... so I decided HEY! Why not do fix something that's been bothering me for a while? I can do it. Our shower floor is tile. Itty bitty tile. Which means itty bitty lines of grout. Grout that is cracking, molding and all around disgusting. I'm tired of trying to scrub it with bleach and all sorts of other cleaners that just plain don't work. So I googled "How to re-grout my shower floor". Oh yes... you see

Have you ever been envious of someone? Coveted what they have? Wish you could be them (or part of them)? I have to admit. I'm guilty of this. There's nothing I want more than my life. I love my kids, my husband, heck... I even love my dayhome - well - most of the time. ;) However - sounds better than ' but ', right? - if I could have my life and just change my profession? I'd love that. It's easy. Just do it. RIGHT? Not so easy. Mortgage, kids, bills, etc... sometimes you can't do what you want and you have to settle for something that doesn't depress the hell out of you when you think about it. This profession? Not glamorous, no. Doesn't pay exceptionally well, no. Hell, it's very specified and not widely needed or known, and I can't really do it where I live. But I'd do it in a heartbeat if I could. I would love to have my sister's job. Yes. I'm envious of my sister and what she does. Ever since I was littl

Yesterday my dear hubby had to go to the Festival des Sucres (or Maple Festival) to help do some activities with the Francophone scouts. Which meant that the boys and I were left to our own devices. Excellent. I spent the morning cleaning my room. Oh yes. I'm a big partay animal! The boys spent the morning playing quite nicely together. This is where you're thinking... "cleaning? your room ?? what, that took all of an hour ? hehehehe..." Nope. I never really held onto that lesson of keeping your room clean. My room is almost always a disaster. Things dumped here, stacked there, stuffed under that, draped on that... etc etc. So I gave it a good purge, dust, wipe, fold and vacuum. It's no awesome. :) No, you get no before and after pictures, it was THAT bad. But I'm rambling. I didn't start this entry to tell you how horrible my room is and how it took me like 4 hours to clean... ok, maybe I did... but I have OTHER motives too! I f

A few weeks ago we went to the doctor. Nothing big, just a few questions that are not easily answered by Google. Darn it. Talk to the doctor about Jerome and his height... or lack of height. Is it genetics or diet? I can't do anything about genetics. I'm short, therefore my offspring are short. But his diet? If I have to sit on him and force feed him I will. Nah. Doctor said he's a typical picky eater that will get better with time. In the meantime, try smoothies with tofu or yogurt and change it up a bit. Talk to the doctor about Xavier's spots. He has white patches on his neck and chest/arms that are very white. I mean, whiter than we normally are white. And his birthmark? Yea. That's now developed black dots. What the hell? Google automatically says, melanoma. Uh huh. Of course. That's a good thing to do right?? Stupid me. Doctor says she's going to refer us to a dermatologist. Oh great. That'll take months to get in. Turns out not so muc

I called the doctor the other day to find out if they had sent in my referral for the weight loss surgery. Turns out they did. That centre sent notification that they received the paper work and I am basically now in the queue to get on the waiting list. Yup. I'm on the waiting list to get on the waiting list. And know something? I'm not upset. Nope. I would've been about a week ago. Before Lola. Lola is our miniature dachshund. She has a spine injury of some sort. We're not too terribly sure WHAT the injury is. We won't know until Saturday, or possibly next Thursday. We were referred to a Canine Fitness centre. Yup. They have those. We were told they generally take dogs that are worse off, but they're hopeful about her signs that she still has feeling in her legs/tail/etc. You know what I did when I thought about Lola in pain and having to be put down (this was before I had seen her)? I cried. For almost three hours. I actually said out loud... I

There are few things in this world that I actually HATE ... I mean, loathe entirely and detest with all my being. Parenthood is amoung those. Specifically, the life decisions that I have to make on behalf of my child. I went, last night, for the parent/teacher meetings at  Jérôme's  school. His teacher is wonderful. Looks younger than she is, very soft spoken but commanding, clever and happy. She's truly in love with what she does and the children she helps. She has nothing bad to say about  Jérôme . Not. One. Thing. YAY!!! He's very compassionate. He's very smart. He's very clever. He's very cute. He's very helpful. I discuss with her the desire I have to keep him in Renfrew for Kindergarten next year, and then the following year place him in kindergarten AGAIN at his older brother's school. She agrees that it's a good idea, but ... But .... there's a but ? What could be but ?? If he were to simply GO to kindergarten at NDP (Xavier

After I went to the doctor to discuss bariatric surgery, where I was surprised to find out that she was happy to give me a referral. Apparently my struggles have been... apparent. I started to talk to a friend of mine from school. She had the lap-band "installed" and had some info. Also she had spoken to lots of others that have had various surgeries and all through Alberta Health Services (AHS). She did not, she went to Mexico, because way back when she wanted it done, it would've been an 8 year wait. 8 YEARS... whoa. Turns out, it might be a long time for me as well. Maybe not THAT long, but it'll seem like forever. I found a website , a place where people can find surgeons and forums with an entire COMMUNITY of people that have had or are hoping to have surgery. Some have been waiting for months, some more than a year... some have been waiting for months to get the appointment that TELLS you that you can have surgery! That's not even waiti

I had a doctors appointment to regarding bariatric surgery. I needed to know if she would give me a referral to have it covered by Alberta Health Care. Let me tell you something about me first. I'm, by nature, a pessimist . I never EVER expect anything good to happen to me. I never get my hopes up. I don't wish for things. I figure if I expect the worst and that doesn't happen, then I'm on the up side right? Well, you probably figure that's how MOST people operate, so big whoop. But I be most people don't expect their wedding to be cancelled. Or that they're going to crash their care each time they drive it. Or that their kids are suddenly going to start hating them for some unknown reason. No. That's just me and my screwed up view of my life. But this time. This was one of those FEW times I allowed myself to be ever so slightly hopeful. There I was... sitting in the doctors office I was trying to prepare myself for the conversation

I've all but given up on losing weight. I stopped running a while ago. My knees hurt too much and my ankles were taking a beating. I stopped going to weight watchers meetings because I was stuck at a plateau for almost a year and a half... who wants to pay $16 a week to NOT lose weight? I stopped going to the gym 5-6 nights a week because I have a second "job" babysitting during the evening. And most depressing... I stopped believing in myself . Years ago when I first realized I was 261 lbs I looked into getting some sort of liposuction, oh yes I did... but that was lazy, hasn't tried alot of options me. It was a brief glimpse with no real result. My next step? Exercise. But with no-one telling me how to go about it, it was a waste of time. Then... LA weightloss... then various forms of supplements.... then Weight Watchers... by far my biggest success... and more exercise - this time with a trainer and online searching... My lowest since then has b