I hate parenthood

There are few things in this world that I actually HATE... I mean, loathe entirely and detest with all my being.

Parenthood is amoung those. Specifically, the life decisions that I have to make on behalf of my child.

I went, last night, for the parent/teacher meetings at Jérôme's school. His teacher is wonderful. Looks younger than she is, very soft spoken but commanding, clever and happy. She's truly in love with what she does and the children she helps.

She has nothing bad to say about Jérôme. Not. One. Thing. YAY!!!

He's very compassionate. He's very smart. He's very clever. He's very cute. He's very helpful.

I discuss with her the desire I have to keep him in Renfrew for Kindergarten next year, and then the following year place him in kindergarten AGAIN at his older brother's school. She agrees that it's a good idea, but...

But.... there's a but? What could be but??

If he were to simply GO to kindergarten at NDP (Xavier's school) he would be fine. Yes, he's distracted right now. Yes, he doesn't WANT to do his IPP goals... BUT... if you put him in a room where everyone else his age is doing the same thing, sitting at desks, listening quietly, etc.... he will do it too. Monkey see, Monkey do after all.

Huh?

What does that mean?

Should I still strive to keep him at Renfrew another year? Or should I just tell the educators and support staff at NDP not to worry about it and send some registration forms home??

I leave the meeting knowing that she has a good handle on him. That she knows him very well. She may only see him a few hours a day each day, but in those hours she sees something that I'm trying very hard to, ignore pretend I don't see. I see it... I do...

After that, I sat in my car for a few minutes processing everything. I drove to Sobey's, picked up a few things and drove home.

You're, by now, thinking.. what's the big deal?? Don't you WANT your son to go to the school with Xavier? Aren't you HAPPY to hear this?? What's wrong with you Tanya??

And now, this is when I tell you my greatest fear.. aside from zombies and eyes in the dark.

I fear that my son will fail as a result of my choices. I fear that he will suffer the consequences of my decisions.

The what ifs start now...

What if:
He cries?
He wants to come home?
They pick on him because of his size?
He can't find the words to express himself?
He feels as though I abandoned him?
They can't help him?
He has to repeat the kindergarten year?
He doesn't progress?
He gets WORSE?
He doesn't make any friends?


And this list goes on... and on... and on... and on...

Now... I must decide what the best thing for Jerome is. I decide because a four year old boy that I still treat like my baby, can't truly decide what he wants to do... he can't decide what to have for lunch half the time...

He shows the desire to learn. Asking me questions about math and the world around us. He wants to learn french like his brother and father. He is smarter than I give him credit. He is more adaptable than I will E.V.E.R be...


I KNOW this.

I am my own worst enemy.

I am his worst enemy.

I can't bring myself to make a choice.

My whole life was about making choices that affected me. Which way do I go... which one do I choose... but it was for ME... not for THEM... I was never warned that all the things I have to do.. the things I have to pick would NOT always be for me... that some decisions have to be made on behalf of a little person...

Eventually... a choice has to be made... for him... for me....




I hate being a mom....