A glimpse into my personal insanity

Did you ever start something and it starts out great? Looks like things are going to go well and smooth? Have a few minor bumps? Then suddenly it seems like the heavens and all the powers in the universe are working against you? TRYING to get you to give up? Oh yea. That's me now. I'm feeling the stress of starting a dayhome. It feels like I'm been stretched beyond my skin's ability, it's not a good feeling. Then I feel the pain of my Dad. He's worried, he's stressed, he's not doing so well... what do I do there? I can only help so much and it's all emotional. I feel helpless. What do you do when this happens? What do I do? I write. I paint. I cry by myself, when no-one else is around. I tell myself the most absurd things, it'll get better, when you hit bottom you can only go up, blah blah blah. I'm not sure if I actually believe myself, but it almost feels better to tell myself all these stupid cliches. All that I can really do is hope. That

Tonight is my second weight watchers meeting. I'm looking forward to the next step. I think I've figured out my total weight loss goal. Not really advertising it yet, I'm not sure how much I want to let people know... as a friend of mine said, "It's sort of like telling people you're going to quit smoking. When it doesn't happen they keep reminding you that you should be quitting." Not something I want to go through. But I'm very much confident in my ability to stick to my guns this time. I'm determined and have a LOT of support from friends and family. This past weekend I passed my CPR & First Aid in child care course. I was pretty stoked about that. Sort of makes it seem like I can do anything. I'll write some more later tonight or maybe tomorrow morning. Record what happened, how I did, etc. :D I'm super happy. :D

Well, today is day 3 of being on Weight Watchers. I think I'm doing alright. Yesterday I ate a piece of cake, I shouldn't have, but I wrote it down in my journal and recorded the points. It's kind of nice that you can eat whatever you want, but you have to count for it. I think I'm going to be more successful on this than LA Weightloss. That program worked, but it only worked REALLY for you if you used their protein bars. Which Sylvain and I didn't want to, it was so expensive. But with WW it's all your food, and if you want to use their snacks and stuff, it's all optional! I'm stoked and excited! :D I'm still getting my goals together, I'm slowly figuring out what my total weightloss goal will be. I don't want it to be outrageous and unattainable, but I want to be a LOT less than I am now. So I'll figure that out in a week or so maybe. I think this will be a good thing. Sylvain wants to lose weight, and my boys will be so much better for

... am overweight. I currently weigh 261 lbs. My BMI is 49, and it should be under 25. According to the BMI chart, I should weigh less than 132 lbs to be considered a healthy weight for my height. My entire adult life, I've been overweight. It's never been this bad. I've always had a certain self-image, I'm heavy, but it's not that bad. That changed. The moment I realized that Sylvain accepts my size, I was devastated. I knew he did, but when you realize it while in an intimate moment, it makes you think twice. I love that he can see me as beautiful, but I hate that he has come to accept it as I have. I'm tired of being heavy. I'm tired of not having energy. I'm tired of shopping in the 'plus' section. I'm tired of what I see in the mirror. Starting today, it changes. I need all the support and encouragement I can get. I will be keeping track of my progress on paper and online. I will have goals, small ones, silly ones and, of course, ones th