A glimpse into my personal insanity

So for the past year, as I'm sure many of you have, lots of goals were set and not all were achieved. But of course, goals change. They change shape, need more time or less, require more effort or less, need to be placed on the back burner or shoved in front... whatever the goal is, as long as I was working towards it, that was what kept me going. New goals? Well, duh! Of course I have new goals! Some I made last year FOR this year, but they're goals nonetheless. I still have three of the five 5k runs left to do before the end of next August, and get up the gumption (is that even a word?) to sign up for a 10k after that! Sheesh... that's a lot of running. Getting organized, once and for all... yea... it's one of those never-gonna-happen scenarios, but I can at least get better at putting things away before the clutter gets the better of me. Listen better. To myself. To my children. To my Husband... well... that's gonna be a tough one! Be more social. Se

Probably THE most stressful day for me. Hands down. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself at this time of year. It's almost retarded. I always try to do so much for other people and even though I get a head start most of the time, I always... I mean ALWAYS... end up running out of time. I still have so much to do and I only have another night and a bit to get it done. AARRGHH!!! I love doing things for others. I love making things that I know I like, and I enjoy trying out new things. But as per usual, I end up adding more people to my list that I want to give to, and that's why I end up running out of time. But look at this blog so far. In two paragraphs I managed to us the word "I" so many times it's disgusting. And that's pretty much the point, isn't it? This time of year isn't about me. It isn't about what I get or how I feel. It's about how others feel and if they get something that shows how much I care about them. W

Xavier? Yes Maman? Do you think I should cut my hair again? You mean like a rockstar? Yea. Probably. Why probably? Because your hair makes you look like a maman. ? What the heck is THAT supposed to mean? Oh well, that's what I get for asking advice from a 5year old. A pretty awesome 5 year old, but a 5 year old nonetheless. I started to wonder earlier on the weekend if I'm every going to really feel like the grown up. Most of the time it feels like I'm just being the bossy older kid that gets pissy when she doesn't get her own way. You know, like it feels when you're not winning that stupid nintendo game against your younger brother. He always made me feel uncoordinated... no matter that I am, but that's another blog I think. We were at the science centre on the weekend. Wicked awesome place, by the way. And I found myself not caring where my kids were, and getting upset when they were wrecking my tunnel system at one of the exhibits. And i

While having dinner with a friend and friends of that friend one of those dreaded subjects came up... Taxes? Nah... Politics? Nope... Religion? Yikes... that's the one. My friend and her friends are of the Mormon church. They were talking about what they're involved with, their "calling's", how many children, etc etc. Being very curious, I started asking questions. How many children do you have? What is a "calling"? And questions of that sort. I'm naturally curious... and no, I don't care how many cats it killed. Of course, if you ask questions, you should be prepared to answer some yourself. It's sort a double-edged sword I guess. Maybe that's what killed the cat.... hmm... something to ponder... but that's a different blog I think. They asked me how many children I have. Two. Oh, and are you finished having children? Yes. Oh. What the heck does that mean?!? Ok, never mind, be nice. What do you do for a living? Oh, I

While we sat down for dinner last night, Sylvain and I decided to take a few minutes to explain the rules of going to the Military Museums to Xavier. They were going on a field trip with Beavers last night and he's never been to a museum like that, so we wanted to make sure he didn't think he could touch and play with everything. Papa: Xavier, at the museum do we touch all the things that are there for people to see? Xavier: No. Papa: Because there are some ropes in front of things at the museum, and it looks like you could just go under them, but we can't do that. Xavier: Ropes? Like the ones at the pool? Me: Sort of, honey, but these ones are to protect the things from everybody touching them. Papa: Now, if the other Beavers decide they're going to go under the ropes and not pay attention to the rules, is Xavier going to do that? Xavier: No, Papa. I'm not. But I want to see the guns. That would be so cool. And I wonder if they will let us touch them too...

There's a saying, that I've heard more than once, that you cannot choose your family. That's not true. I was chosen . In 1987 my mother met my father. I was 6 at the time and my brother 4. It took him a while to find us, but in the end, he did. I do not share any of his genes, but people, even my father-in-law, says that we look so much alike. A lot of people have told me how much of him they see in my children, his grandsons. And each time I hear these comments I grin and stand a little taller. Mostly because it's true, but also because I truly believe that he was meant to be my father, our father, and it just took him a while to find us. It means a lot to go into a relationship with a woman that has two children from a previous... whatever it was... I guess what I'm trying to say is that it means a lot to go into the relationship and stay there. A lot of men wouldn't bother, some would try and give up, but there's only one that jumped in feet first

Lately, and by more than a few people, I've been asked how I keep my motivation. The word motivation is derived from the word motive. And Webster's dictionary defines motive as something (such as a need or desire) that causes a person to act. It's simple enough to find out what the word means, but the "something" in that definition is a little more difficult to define. The core of everyone's motivation should be themselves. It should be that they're trying to improve themselves for them. So the answer to everyone's question, how do I keep my motivation? I don't keep it, it keeps me. It's so overwhelming trying to better yourself. With a child or children to take care of, a home, work, friends and just life in general. To find time is impossible, but to MAKE time to better yourself? That's a challenge, but a necessary one. My whole life I've made excuses for my faults and short-comings, I never took responsibility for creating my

I've decided to give up. I'm done. I don't think my fussing, worrying, self-torture, misery, heartache, anguish and self-doubt is helping my children get better. I'm looking at this in totally the wrong way. I've been so worried about what I'M doing wrong I forgot who's suffering. My boys. They don't care if I used a bleach or lysol cleaner, they don't care if the sheets are washed in hot or cold water, they don't even care if they wash their hands before they eat (ick). All they care about is if Maman and Papa are there when they DO get sick. They're going to get sick. I can't prevent it. There's no way around it. They WILL get sick. The fact that all of October they've been sick more than they've been well, I guess that's just bad luck. Not much I can do there either. They've been afflicted with the most random things and as much as I want to blame this, that and the other thing, what's happened has happened.

Sometimes I wonder about what I could have done or could do better. Almost always when it comes to my kids health. I know that lots of children get sick and almost ALL children when they're young get sick a lot. The problem? My kids are sick more than a lot. It seems like it's all the time. It's more than once a month and it's always something that needs antibiotics. Xavier has had tonisillits 6 times this year. SIX. TIMES. That's grounds for getting them removed. I can't understand why my kids are getting so sick . My house is clean. I dust. I vaccum. I wash. I do all of that. No obsessivly, but enough that things are clean and disinfected on a regular basis. And what happens? My kids get sick all the time. Change cleaners. No affect. Clean less. No affect. Clean more, clean without them here, wash walls, multiple cleaners, etc etc etc. What the hell am I doing wrong?!? I don't need to hear that kids get sick all the time. It's normal. They get e

I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life. My kids, my husband, my family... all that. But I don't like Thanksgiving. I understand, for the most part, what the holiday is symbolic of and why we gather. I just don't like it. I haven't had much luck on that holiday in the last few years. That weekend is always a weekend of bad luck or, to quote a movie, 'a series of unfortunate events'. And this year was no exception. My boys were sick before the weekend and just seemed to get worse on that weekend. We weren't able to go visit family and we barely got out of the house at all. There are lots of people that don't have that sort of luck. That can have that weekend go by without even blinking, it's such a breeze, but not I. It's one of those holidays that I look forward to getting through as quickly and painlessly as possible! I would much rather have Halloween as a holiday! I love the costumes, the decorations, the mood, the scary movies... p

For most of my life I was a perpetual pessimist. I always figured if I expected the worst a situation could be, then I was being prepared. Only after a few key moments in my life did I realize that was no way to live. Especially when you have children. The problem is that being an optimist takes it's toll on you. Forever trying to encourage others and make them see the best of a dark situation.... it can be, well, exhausting. Lately I've been feeling lost, a little confused and somewhat frustrated. I've always been able to see myself in the future, whether it be the near or distant future, I could always see the path under my feet and where it was taking me. For some reason or another I seem to have strayed a bit. Now I'm started to wonder about the choices I've made in life and second guess what I was once so sure of. I could never go back to an office job. I know that. But I started to wonder if staying home was the best thing for my family. If it was more

So this past Sunday was the unofficial 1st year since I started my weight loss journey. And for whatever crazy reason, I decided to mark the occasion with a 5k run. Oh geez, what was I thinking, right? Well. My training was going well, up until I contracted Strep Throat of all things. It was horrible. For 2 weeks I couldn't do any running, exercising, nothing... it was definitely a set back. Nonethelesss, I showed up for the 5k and vowed to at least finish it without passing out or something like that. So I did my own little warm up, which I discovered wasn't nearly enough, of squats, lunges and some kicks. I thought it was good enough and then just sort of chatted with Sylvain and played with the boys. Then there was the call to line up, and they say to line up according to how you run and what time you think you'll place. I put myself at the very back. Oh yea, that says confidence, right? NOT! Line up, 3-2-1, GO! I started running, turned on my MP3 player and plug

You know there's always going to be little things that you take for granted in life... things that you don't think about very much, you just DO or just HAVE... but what if you were to have a LOT of those little things taken away from you all at once? Would you be just as oblivious? Would you continue to take them for granted if you could get them back? Of all the things in the world that I could've woken up with on Monday, of all the things I've had in the past, sure enough, something new this time! Yay me... Strep Throat. Man... this sucks. Monday: Not too bad, feeling sorta icky and a really sore throat... but it'll probably develop into something like a cold later... bah... nothing new. OMG... the evening I was getting chills... there was no way to warm up or stop shivering... holy crap... Tuesday: Death walks... or at least that's how I looked/felt... my throat was so sore that I couldn't even swallow liquid. Horrible. The only way to describe.

Jérôme! Don't hit Maman's hand! ARGH! ... followed by lots of crying.... Oh for... ... sigh... Recognize this? No? You obviously don't have an almost-two-year-old that refuses to eat. I don't mean he doesn't want to eat... I mean he flat out refuses to eat anything but a few items. Crackers Bread w/ margarine cheese strawberries (sometimes) hotdogs waffles/pancakes w/ syrup and whipped cream That's it. He seriously won't eat anything else. Sometimes he'll eat some plain pasta or rice... but that's about it. It's so way beyond frustrating at this point. I don't know anymore. So, of course I do the logical thing. I blame myself. Last night I got so frustrated with Jérôme I actually smacked his hand when he went to shove the plate away. Then I flicked him on the forehead. Oh geez. I felt so bad. Sylvain came in from outside and told me he'd take over for a while. I went into the backyard and sat on the steps and star

Did you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just turn off your brain? I have lots of those... but that's besides the point! Today was particularily bad. Sylvain and I have two wonderful little boys... I love them more than life itself and would do anything for them... we decided long ago on family, how many, age difference, etc etc.... anything that CAN be planned, we tried our best. Even what MONTHS they'd be born in... oh yes... we're weird. But then today a strange thing happened. I started to wonder what it would be like to have another. I started to think about the pregnancies I had, the difficulties in the births, the long hours, the lack of sleep, the noise,  etc etc... and none of it seemed to affect me. I was able to excuse away it all. It was very strange... at least when I think of it now it is. So anyway. I got so wrapped up in thought I started to imagine things... the room juggle... pulling out all the stored baby items... getting myself

On Thursday July 21st I wake up from a less than restful sleep... it's just one of those nights. A couple of nightmares (my own... read this blog for more details), kids waking up or just calling out... and of course... once in a while nature calls in the middle of the friggin' night! I walk downstairs, yawn, unlock the front door and go into the kitchen... very quickly my day begins. Both my boys are up around 7am... same time that the first two kids arrive for the day... making breakfast for those four doesn't take much, but getting them all to calm down and get to the kitchen to eat... that's another story! So by now it's about 7:20 and the other two kids are here for the day... one I take from his mom and the girl wants to go see the kids at the table. 7:30 rolls around and the dayhome is in full swing! That's just the start. In the kitchen I am trying to get some juice for the baby boy... but as I walk out of the kitchen I look over at Amadeus... Oh

I have nightmares. No, not your normal ones either. These are wake up crying and scared beyond words sort of nightmares. I've had them every night for almost 15 years. I am my own worst enemy. This is the part where you start to wonder... why is she telling us this? Why in the WORLD would she blog about this? Is she truly going to tell us that she has bad dreams and expect us to take her seriously? I'll tell you why. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of not sleeping. And I hope by blogging about this it'll help me in some sort of weird self-help way. Steven King, Dean Koontz, M. Night Shyamalan... none of 'em have anything on what goes on in my head. I love horror movies. I don't know why. But I do. I like to be scared, I like to have that suspensful feeling... etc etc... so you'd think that's my problem right? Nope. My nightmares have nothing to do with any of the friggin' movies I watch. And that's the honest truth. There's n

Last Friday was our last day of bootcamp. Our last adventure day with Lindsey. It was going to be alright. There were only 3 of us, Lindsey made 4, and it was going to be a pretty relaxing class. We walked along the pathways, chatting and socializing. We got to the stairs, did one set... mostly because we were going to do something and then changed our minds. We all ran across the bridge and then continued to walk along the path. Halfway thru class we turned around and started back. Ran back across the bridge and then did 3 sets of stairs. So far, so good. Nothing too difficult, nothing too strenuous, pretty good. Up until now I've never reached "the zone" while running. Most anybody that jogs/runs will tell you that there's a moment when you're running that you get into a mode where your body just moves. Despite aches, pains and burns... it just keeps moving. Like a machine, your legs and lungs just keep going. Never thought about it really, just sort of assume

Eight weeks ago I started something crazy. Bootcamp. Oh yea. I'm totally out of my mind! But it was something I felt I should do. Thanks to 13 people , 13 people that nominated me on the Biggest Winner bootcamp  facebook page, I got a spot in the competition. It was an amazing feeling. I was scared out of my mind and beyond excited all at the same time. It's hard to actually convey the feeling until you've felt it. I've heard people try to describe it, but there's no real way to put words to something that makes you speechless. You know that feeling you get when you get to the top of the roller coaster? The one where you almost hover at the top, just before you go down that first hill? That's how it feels. It's that crazy, overwhelming, totally insane feeling. Eight weeks ago we did a fitness test our first class. Here's how it went: 1 min. push ups:    15 (on my knees) 1 min. sit ups:        0 (only crunches) wall sit:                   22 sec

So I'm not normally a shy person. I mean, I was really... like REALLY introverted and shy when I was younger, but now I'm pretty outgoing. I have a great sense of humour, ok, so to ME it's a great sense of humour. But I can tailor it to my audience. Depending on who I'm hanging out with at the time. I like to think of myself as organized, fun... a people pleaser. It took a long time for me to finally realize I'm just as important as the next person. I am worth the attention that I give myself. A good haircut (an amazing haircut), a gym membership, etc etc. But it's not like I saw the best me on my own. Nope, I would've never seen my worth without help. My husband, my kids... they were a step in the right direction, okay, so a shove in the right direction. But the thing that helped me most? My most inspiring muse? My friends. One in particular. I don't know what she thought of me when we first met, but I remember thinking... wow... what a fake. That&#

I was up until 1am last night. Painting a pinata, icing a cake and thinking of what else I need to do before the morning sunrise comes and I run out of time. Yes, I do that. I also make my kids eat his veggies before he gets cake, share his new toys with his little brother and refuse to let him play with one of those new toys for the rest of the day because of something he said to his father. Yes, I do that. I am THAT mom. And I'm damn proud of it. I refuse to be caught up in the moment of the 'birthday party'. I will not let him get away with crap just because it's his day. I don't know if it's just habit or if it's that little voice in my head. You know that one that tells me if I let him get away with stuff on 'his' day then he'll totally take advantage of that as he gets older. There are a few people that frown at me, tell me I should just let him be, try to take my attention away, etc. etc. I'm sure that some can understand where

Have you ever wondered if you're nuts? I mean, just plain bonkers? And if you think you are, are you really? I mean, do crazy people know they're crazy or do they think they're normal and everyone else is crazy? And if they do know they're crazy, do they like it? Oh yea. That's me. I know I'm nuts, and yea, I'm okay with that. When I was younger, I was shy, very shy, and didn't want to stand out in a crowd. Now? Can't wait. Love it. Have to comment on the strangest things with strange comments. Oh yea. I'm THAT person. I think if I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't. I might be crazy, but I know that I wouldn't be where I am had I not had the journey I did. I never wanted to stand out, to be noticed, nothing like that. And to me? Being athletic was standing out... that would get me attention that I really truly didn't want. I used every excuse you could think of to get out of doing P.E. during my school days. And I mean EV