To be... or not to be... crazy that is.

Have you ever wondered if you're nuts? I mean, just plain bonkers? And if you think you are, are you really? I mean, do crazy people know they're crazy or do they think they're normal and everyone else is crazy? And if they do know they're crazy, do they like it?

Oh yea. That's me. I know I'm nuts, and yea, I'm okay with that.

When I was younger, I was shy, very shy, and didn't want to stand out in a crowd. Now? Can't wait. Love it. Have to comment on the strangest things with strange comments. Oh yea. I'm THAT person. I think if I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't.

I might be crazy, but I know that I wouldn't be where I am had I not had the journey I did. I never wanted to stand out, to be noticed, nothing like that. And to me? Being athletic was standing out... that would get me attention that I really truly didn't want. I used every excuse you could think of to get out of doing P.E. during my school days. And I mean EVERY excuse. Everything from medical to womanly issues. It was ridiculous. But when you have asthma... it's easy... when you're a girl with a male teacher? Even easier.

Not saying it was right. Just saying that's what I did.

But now look at me! Last August I grew up. I decided it was time to have a redo. It was time to step up and bite the bullet. Basically, time to lose the stupid fat that I've been hoarding since I was a teen. I lost 41 lbs on Weight Watchers. I am very proud of myself. I started to like me again. It had been a long time. That wasn't enough though, I had to... NEEDED to go further.

So what does crazy lil' ol' me do? I join a friggin' bootcamp. And what is the result of that?

A five kilometre walk/run.

Oh yea. I did it. I registered for it. Paid my fee, got my e-mail confirmation... and now I'm scared shitless. Excuse the language. But there's no other word for it.

There's nothing I can't do. I truly believe that. I have to believe that. Not just for me, but for my boys as well. If I tell them they can do anything, I have to live that too. As a result. Craziness. Just plain friggin' insanity.

And part of that insanity allows for pointless crying spells. Which I had tonight. After my work out, with Heather. :) I drove home and I cried for most of the way. It was part her optimism, part the group support, part the talk... it was everything. I feel so overwhelmed by everybody and everything that's going on, but in such a good way. I know, it sounds crazy (it is), but I had to cry. Laughing, smiling and all that, it didn't feel right to do. But happy tears? Those did it for me.

It feels like crazy is the right mode for me. It's the best way for me to function. Not happy or sad, relaxed or anxious, optimistic or pessimistic... none of those is right for me. I'm crazy. I'm going to be crazy from now on, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

Get used to this world, I ain't going back!

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