A glimpse into my personal insanity

It's been a while since my last post. A few months at least! I've been busy over the summer, holidays, kids, nice weather, running... blah blah blah... So what's wrong with me? I am on weight watchers. Or so I tell people. I rave about the program, but I don't always listen to myself. I tell people it's the only way to go... and then I fail... over and over and over... I'm not sure EXACTLY what to do. My motivation is gone. My will... my drive... I don't know what the hell has happened. I can't find it... it's almost like I lost it somewhere over the summer and have no idea what to do to get it back. Depression and I have a long and somewhat painful history. This feels different. I have my moods and my weird quirks controlled... well... as controlled as they can be really. But, for whatever reason this feels deeper than that. Is that even possible? I mean, I thought depression was as low as you could get, but it seems my depths don't know

What do you say about a man that was of very few words? Unless of course you were talking about what ails him... then he could go on and on. I won't make him out to be a saint or fabulous or amazing. I think my mother said it best when she said, "My father was far from perfect, but he was perfect for our family." A look-alike in his younger years, my mom and her  siblings always said they had their very own John Wayne. On the evening of June 3rd, 2012, I sat in a hospital room with my grandfather. I watched him sleep, and I was having a very difficult time saying good-bye. And yes. I had to say good-bye. It was one of those things that if I didn't say it, out loud, I would regret it for always. I finally mustered up whatever I had left in my heart, and managed to choke it out. There's a moment when you realize that it's the end. That what you see now is the last glimpse of life they have. Up until that evening I would only say, " see you tomorr

Have you ever had one of those days that makes you wonder about yourself? That makes you think about everything and nothing all at the same time? Today was one of those days. It's a day like today that makes me have to try harder. The temptation to give up is almost alway there, but sometimes it can yell louder than all the optimism and positivity I can muster. No. It wasn't just one little boy that made me feel this way. It was too many things at once. That little boy. Xavier being sick... again. Jerome needing speech therapy. My weightloss not going as well as I hoped. My inability to run because of my head cold/allergies. Vacation planning. Stress-ball doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. The little boy this morning needs love. He needs a chance to settle down. He needs his mom to not be so... so care-free. But I just can't wrap my head around being bit/hit/smacked/pinched all the while trying to take care of two 2yr olds and my own almost three year

Once upon a time... not so long ago... kids were raised by their parents and family. Not by opinionated strangers. Not by interfering acquaintances. Not by offensive passersby. Not even by over-bearing, all-knowing, have-read-every-parenting-book-in-the-whole-world... ... well... you get the idea. Not too long ago I started to get offended by everybody that offered their... ahem... unsolicited advice. Mostly about Jerome, but some about my parenting. I've been called a "paranoid parent" by some... they've never seen me at the zoo or science centre with my boys... BE FREE! But I was called this because I was telling my boys to NOT scale a clunky old swing set that is teetering at the top of a hilled yard... oh yes... I'm paranoid.. .that they'll fall and break their skull in your YARD!! There's nothing wrong with my getting offended. Nothing wrong with feeling hurt by the other moms that decided I wasn't as good as they are. Nothing wrong

It's hard to understand why I am so sad. Unless you know what it's like to be in my shoes. And a few of you do. You actually do! Understanding and sympathizing are two different things. My son is small. I know this. I'm not blind. I might wear thick glasses, but I see everything. It has not escaped my vivid motherly attention that my son is tiny small short beyond perfect. But... something else that has not escaped? The fact that everyone else has an opinion about that. "Oh, he's so tiny!" "He's so short!" "How is going to keep up with others his age?" Huh... okay... And the other thing. He doesn't really talk yet. He's taking his time. Absorbing his world, trying to figure it out before he forms an opinion of it. Oh wait. I'm just the mom... what do the assholes peanut gallery have to say? Don't worry, there is NO shortage of opinions there. "He doesn't talk yet? That's shocking."

It's been a while since I made an entry. Tonight seemed like a good night. I'm tired, very tired, but I don't go to bed.... know why? Nightmares. Plain and simply terrifying, nightmares. The last three weeks or so I've been getting less and less sleep as a result of more and more vivid, scary images appearing in my head when I close my eyes. It's so very tiring and confusing at the same time. Once upon a time, a long time ago, I used to watch a lot of horror movies. I loved and still very much like them, not the gore, the honest to goodness scare you with music and acting movies. But I quit watching them for a few reasons. One, I had children and couldn't watch those movies without thinking of my kids. Two, I thought it would make my nightmares either stop or at least less frequent. Not so much. I'll save you the details. Let's just say these past few weeks involve my boys, my husband and not anything good. Theyre so real that I wake up and

It's been a week since I've bought a case of Coke Zero for the house. Just over a week actually. And it's been tough. Really tough. I didn't realize how addicted I was to it. And now that I haven't had it in the house, it's strange not to see the empty cans everywhere. I'm so used to cleaning up the next morning, anywhere from 6 to 10 empties. Pick them up from the living room, put them in the kitchen, and every other day or so put them out in the recycling. I haven't had to put a new bag in our recycling can in a week. It was supposed to be a New Year's resolution of mine, stop drinking diet cola. I never really stuck to it. Very difficult when you're the only one in the house trying to quit. Sylvain was still drinking it, and I started to sneak them. Well, no, not really sneak them. The only person I was trying to fool was myself. Thinking that if it didn't LOOK like I took any then it would be better. Sheesh. What a moron I can be some

So... here I am again... bronchitis... my kids have bronchitis and pnuemonia... geezus... what's wrong with me? why can't I just get a normal cold? normal flu attack? AARRGHH!!! I'm so tired of being so sick. I mean. Yea. It could be worse. I could be in the hospital. I could be bed-ridden. I could be... well... it could be a LOT worse. My kids are going to get sick. Right? I mean, they're kids. Low to the ground, don't wash their hands enough, put things in their mouth they shouldn't, get coughed on and sneezed on, licking door handles... well, okay, maybe that last one is just my kids... My point? I KNOW why I'm sick. I KNOW why my kids are sick. Hell... I KNOW why they and I get bronchitis and pnuemonia more than just colds. What I don't know? Why people insist and telling me my business. No, not just sharing their opinion. Not just offering advice. Nope, not even giving me an ear to bitch into. Nope. TELLING. ME. I. AM. WRONG. That's

Once upon a time a girl was born to a woman that would've been named Cindy-Lou had HER mother not had the foresight that the father didn't. This girl laughed. She cried. She had smarts that baffled nurses. She was clever. As she grew up she thought that she would be many things. An artist. A lawyer. A musician. A traveller. A great deal many things. The thing she never thought she'd be. Her great-grandparents, her grandmothers, her grandfathers, her mother, her father... She was picked on in school. She felt lonely. She felt sad. As she grew she realized there was more to life. There were more places than the little town she was living in. There were more people in the world than those who wished to cause her pain in order to make themselves feel better. She graduated high school, letting bygones be bygones. Forgiving those that caused her pain. Forgiving herself for not being more of an outgoing person. And loving those that stood by her the whole time. When

Here we go... it's Wednesday... time for a Celebrity Body... aka... a half hour of hell. I got my mat, I got my step and I got my medicine ball... what the hell is she going to make us do today?!?? Glancing over at friends and strangers, we're all thinking the same thing. Why do I do this to myself?? WHY do I... oh wait... yea... that's right... because I WANT to. Okay, so she's going to make us do 4 exercises and we're going to try and do three rounds in 25min?? Holy crap. Okay, here we go. Do two plie jumps, and then get down and do some plank leg jump things... okay, so I don't know what the heck they're called, but they HURT! Next, take your medicine ball, lunge foward make two figure eights with the medicine ball and straight arms, back to centre and then lung foward and do a side bend (with said ball). And repeat. Do the other leg. Now, lung backwards with the ball in your arms stretched above your head. Get down and do mountain climbers

I'm having a hard time with life lately. A really hard time. To the point that I start crying for no reason. I stare out the window, at nothing, for what seems like forever. I have a hard time motivating myself to play with my kids, let alone the dayhome kids. I go to my work out and afterwards I don't have that elated feeling I used to. What is it? What's wrong with me? I wish there was a simple answer. Oh wait. There is! I'M EATING CRAPPY FOOD!!!    Even as I write this... what am I doing? I had a bowl of peanut butter chocolate ice cream and right before that I had two pieces of pita bread and hummus. Oh yea. I'm a friggin' idiot. I went through 9 months of weight watchers, lost 45lbs, felt GREAT. And here I am, sitting on my arse, wondering why life is passing me by, why I can't get up and DO something... sheesh... I say again... I'm a friggin' idiot. Exercise is easy. Eating right? Not so easy. I need to change, and NOW