Sleeping can be scary

It's been a while since I made an entry. Tonight seemed like a good night.

I'm tired, very tired, but I don't go to bed.... know why?

Nightmares.

Plain and simply terrifying, nightmares.

The last three weeks or so I've been getting less and less sleep as a result of more and more vivid, scary images appearing in my head when I close my eyes. It's so very tiring and confusing at the same time.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I used to watch a lot of horror movies. I loved and still very much like them, not the gore, the honest to goodness scare you with music and acting movies. But I quit watching them for a few reasons. One, I had children and couldn't watch those movies without thinking of my kids. Two, I thought it would make my nightmares either stop or at least less frequent.

Not so much.

I'll save you the details. Let's just say these past few weeks involve my boys, my husband and not anything good. Theyre so real that I wake up and I am terrified, absolutely terrified to close my eyes again, I actually reach out to make sure he's still there. Get up and go watch them sleep and dream and breath so that I know it was all in my head.

This morning I woke up at 4:30, didn't sleep after that, just laid there resting and stretching. Listening to Sylvain breath and snore. I went to bed around 11pm, fell asleep fairly quickly, but if we count, that's only 5.5 hours. Not much when you have two young ones running around.needing you to be attentive and energetic for them.

Some nights I get less sleep... a lot less... some nights I get more, but lately, its less and less. I've actually convinced myself that I'm not tired right now. I'm sure my body and most of my brain is telling me to be tired, go to bed, it's time to sleep... but then a much LOUDER part of me screams at me to stay awake... don't go to bed and see those things again... stay awake until you drop and just don't dream because you're TOO exhausted.

I think I might need to talk to someone, figure where all this is coming from, know what I can do about it, better yet, know I'm not alone. This is a very isolating thing, Sylvain is sympathetic, but doesn't truly understand what I'm going through. It feels like I'm alone with this, like I'm the only one that doesn't understand their own brain, like there aren't many options for something like this.

Depressing, ain't it?

I am truly optimistic, except when it comes to the stuff I see when I close my eyes. Not sure I'll ever get peace at night.

What I see in my dreams makes Steven King look like Walt Disney.

Off to bed. Wish me luck for a dreamless night... I'll need it.

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