These Days

Have you ever had one of those days that makes you wonder about yourself? That makes you think about everything and nothing all at the same time?
Today was one of those days.

It's a day like today that makes me have to try harder. The temptation to give up is almost alway there, but sometimes it can yell louder than all the optimism and positivity I can muster.

No. It wasn't just one little boy that made me feel this way. It was too many things at once. That little boy. Xavier being sick... again. Jerome needing speech therapy. My weightloss not going as well as I hoped. My inability to run because of my head cold/allergies. Vacation planning.

Stress-ball doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

The little boy this morning needs love. He needs a chance to settle down. He needs his mom to not be so... so care-free. But I just can't wrap my head around being bit/hit/smacked/pinched all the while trying to take care of two 2yr olds and my own almost three year old.

Xavier is sick again. This is one of those few times that I decided not to freak out and be paranoia-maman and let whatever it is run it's course. Well. That back-fired. He had to stay home today because of lack of sleep. And I managed to get him into the doctor. Turns out? Ear infection, both ears, throat infection and bronchitis. Way to go maman. Way. To. Go.

We got a letter from AHS saying that Jerome has a severe speech delay, from the form I FILLED OUT. This is what they have concluded. And because of this? They're worried that the back up for assessments will cause him to miss out on services that he really needs. So they're encouraging us to seek a independant assessment that will cost us extra, so that we can fast track him into a preschool program to help him. I already felt like a failure. And yes, I realize it's not really me. It's just a developmental delay, nobody's fault really. But this is how I feel. And now... not just a failure, a horrible severe failure. I stayed home to be with him and I can't even get him to talk.

On top of that, because we waited so long for Xavier to go the doctor, now Jerome is coughing and sounding horrible. Awesome.

Because of all the above. I'm not eating as well as I should can, I'm not eating a lot and what I do eat is not very good for me. I am sort of bobbing up and and down. Not really changing, not really going anywhere, step forward, step backward.

I have a run in less than two weeks. I haven't been running. AT. ALL. For the last few weeks I've been all stuffy, sore throat and styrofoam head. So not only do I not feel like playing with my kids, or going on bike rides, but I don't want to run either. It feels like I'm dizzy, get sudden vertigo...

I am a mess.

So what does this mean for my anxiety? Through the roof. My depression? The same. What do I do about it? I cry.

That's about what I do. I mean, I talk to Sylvain. I exercise. I go out once in a while with friends.

But it all feels like I'm drowning. It feels like I'm lost and nobody can find me is looking for me.

I need something to hold onto, something that will keep me grounded.

There is no easy answer for this. I need to work out things my way. But I will always need help. If I don't ask, it doesn't mean I don't need it.



Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
~Albert Camus

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