What're Friends For?

Sometimes it takes someone to point out the complete and utter obvious to you before it finally sinks in. You know, a grandmother telling you that you're doing the wrong crochet stitch because just look at the darn picture, a husband saying maybe the yeast is no good because your bread turned out WAY denser than it usually does...

Or maybe a friend that hasn't seen you in 5-6 months and she decides to take a picture of you at your heaviest and a picture she snapped of you at supper and post them both to Facebook. When you see exactly how much weight you've lost and how you look to the rest of the world, suddenly it hits you. Wow. I've really lost a bunch of weight.

Up until now I've been denying a little bit, ok a lot, that I have really lost any weight. Yes, the scale said I did, yes my clothes said I did and even my family & friends tell me I have... but denial is a very powerful thing. I look in the mirror and still see my old self. That's it. Just me. I don't see a "skinnier" me or a "healthier" me... I just see me.

Then along she came, and was completely floored by how much weight I lost. So she snapped a photo of me holding her baby. I asked her to send it to me so I could take a look, I was sort of impressed but still couldn't really see that yes, yes I've changed a lot.

Same day she posted the photo she posted another photo of me from 5.5yrs ago or so, I was at my heaviest. 261 pounds to be exact, not one of my finer moments for sure. Looking at them side by side I was completely in awe of how much my body has ACTUALLY changed.



Left: 261 lbs         Right: 173 lbs



Now this post isn't to brag (much) it's mostly to deal with my own internal issues. I've always been scared to admit success in anything, I mean ANYTHING. Graduating high school? I tell people I sucked a physical education and social studies. Graduate a technical institute? I tell them how I was once accused of cheating and how I didn't do some of the work. I have well behaved boys? Yea, I don't know how that happened. I'm helping my dayhome girl more and more? Uh, nope not me, I just feed her.

I am so worried about celebrating my success because there's a chance I could fail. I've lost 63lbs? Yea, what if it goes up again, then what? All these new clothes I bought will need to be switched over again. Surgery will have been for nothing. I'll have put myself through hell just to be a failure.

There's no particular reason for me to think this way, I'm just very hard on myself. Of course I look at the picture on the right and I still see a massive double chin (husband says it's just skin), I see flappy saggy arms and a bad hairstyle. But if I just look.... just look at it without a critical eye... I see my smile, my posture, my happiness.

Denial is strong, but pictures say so much.

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