What's wrong with me?

It's been a while since my last post. A few months at least! I've been busy over the summer, holidays, kids, nice weather, running... blah blah blah...

So what's wrong with me?

I am on weight watchers. Or so I tell people. I rave about the program, but I don't always listen to myself. I tell people it's the only way to go... and then I fail... over and over and over...

I'm not sure EXACTLY what to do. My motivation is gone. My will... my drive... I don't know what the hell has happened. I can't find it... it's almost like I lost it somewhere over the summer and have no idea what to do to get it back.

Depression and I have a long and somewhat painful history. This feels different. I have my moods and my weird quirks controlled... well... as controlled as they can be really. But, for whatever reason this feels deeper than that. Is that even possible? I mean, I thought depression was as low as you could get, but it seems my depths don't know the meaning of 'hit bottom'.

It's almost as though my guilt and depression have combined with, what I call, my selfish persons to beat me down, stomp me into the ground and laugh at me.

My weightloss is at a stand still. I keep gaining and losing the same three pounds. I can't make myself run any faster than I already do. My exercise routines have taken a hit in the worst way. Money is always ALWAYS a worry with me. Our health has been better, mine keeps me on a constant roller coaster.

I'm pretty sure I didn't sign up for this.

The worst part? Before summer I was good. I was optimistic. The thoughts in my head were that of goals. Places to go, things to do, people to talk to. Now? I feel like crawling under my bed and collecting dust with the rest of the boxes under there.

Do you know what that's like? To have the most wonderful aspirations just disapper like apparitions? Have your dreams just drift away? Feel like you're lost in the most awesome maze that keeps changing so that you can never find a way, let alone the RIGHT way?

It's not something I would wish on anybody.

I want to run. I want to work out. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy.

Words... just words.

I need a change. Something needs to give. And I think it's more me than anybody or any-THING. I think I just want it all to happen faster than it's ready to happen. I started two and half years ago, and it just feels like it won't end. It's hard to remind myself of all the things I've overcome. All the things I've dreamt of doing. All the things I PLAN on doing.

It's never as bad as it seems. I do KNOW that... the logical part of brain didn't stop working. It's just being drowned out by the paranoid lazy screwed up in the head me.

*sigh*

Somebody get the duct tape... time to shut that bitch up.

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