Anything worth having is difficult to achieve

I'm having a hard time with life lately.

A really hard time.

To the point that I start crying for no reason. I stare out the window, at nothing, for what seems like forever. I have a hard time motivating myself to play with my kids, let alone the dayhome kids. I go to my work out and afterwards I don't have that elated feeling I used to.

What is it?

What's wrong with me?
I wish there was a simple answer.

Oh wait. There is!

I'M EATING CRAPPY FOOD!!!

 



Even as I write this... what am I doing? I had a bowl of peanut butter chocolate ice cream and right before that I had two pieces of pita bread and hummus.

Oh yea. I'm a friggin' idiot.

I went through 9 months of weight watchers, lost 45lbs, felt GREAT. And here I am, sitting on my arse, wondering why life is passing me by, why I can't get up and DO something... sheesh... I say again... I'm a friggin' idiot.

Exercise is easy. Eating right? Not so easy.

I need to change, and NOW.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm writing this, maybe not. Maybe you've read this and muttered, "duh" at your screen. Am I looking for sympathy? No. Am I looking for words of encouragement? Not really. So what am I doing? I'm being honest.

I have a following... or so I'm told... and I'm constantly being asked... where do you get your motivation? I blogged about it before, you can read it here.

Somewhere along the line, I lost my motivation. It didn't go far, I can here it calling out for me, I know if I look hard I'll find it. I think my motivation ran away over Christmas, when I got bronchitis, when I was on vacation, when I decided to take a "break" from the gym. I think it got scared, I think maybe I scared it. There was so much going on, I pushed it away, I yelled at it to give me a break, I threw it across the room a few times.

I have motivation, oh yea, what I lack? Strength to hold onto it.

I have a long road ahead. It's full of potholes, speed bumps, gravel and pedestrians. But the destination? It's another 50lbs lighter than I am now. It's being able to run around with my kids and not even think about it. It's to get on that new bike my brother got me for Christmas and ride like the road doesn't end. It's to get that Zumba outfit from Maria... hehehe...



Yea. I've got my motivation. I found it. It took a few weeks of wondering and questioning and feeling shitty, but I figured it out, I found it. Sitting in the corner, smiling, welcoming me with open arms and a kick in the ass.

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