The day BEFORE the day before Christmas.

Probably THE most stressful day for me. Hands down. I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself at this time of year. It's almost retarded. I always try to do so much for other people and even though I get a head start most of the time, I always... I mean ALWAYS... end up running out of time. I still have so much to do and I only have another night and a bit to get it done. AARRGHH!!!

I love doing things for others. I love making things that I know I like, and I enjoy trying out new things. But as per usual, I end up adding more people to my list that I want to give to, and that's why I end up running out of time.

But look at this blog so far. In two paragraphs I managed to us the word "I" so many times it's disgusting.

And that's pretty much the point, isn't it? This time of year isn't about me. It isn't about what I get or how I feel. It's about how others feel and if they get something that shows how much I care about them. Which is usually why at this time of year is when my most creative stuff comes out. It's an amazing time of year in which I can share a little of myself with those around me, and whether it cost me an arm and a leg or pennies to make it... doesn't matter. The point is that a time and energy went into the gift and to me that shows how much I care for them.

A friend posted not too long ago, how giving of herself and her time is sort of selfishly motivated. It makes her feel good to make others feel good.

This is where I agree.

I definitely think that the reason I put myself out there at Christmas is because I'm trying to fill a spot in myself with good feelings and warmth. And the way that I can do that the fastest? By giving people love in the form of art or baked goods or time shared with them.

Now. This is where I disagree.

As much as I want to feel good about them getting something, anything, from me. I do NOT like the process. With me, there's more doubt than confidence. Which is why, even though lots have said I should, I've never really tried to sell or show my stuff. When I'm creating something new, or painting or even baking cookies... I always doubt that the recipient will enjoy what I've done. It's a horrible feeling. And then there's the time spent picking out the perfect thing to give... baking? art? wine? what?? what would they enjoy?!? Just because I love/like something, doesn't mean that they will. And then when I DO finally decide on something, I'm always tweaking it or adding or adjusting or taking away from it... is done now? is it perfect? should I do more? should I have done less?? None of these feelings evoke a selfish sort of aura in my mind. All my doubt and uncomfortable feelings make me want to quit right then and there.

And the end result?

Selfish or not. It makes my friends and family smile. It makes them see more of me, know more of me than they did before. And that makes me feel as though a small part of their day or even holiday is ever so slightly better because of it. It's that smile that makes all my anguish worth it in the end.

I share my love with others through what I can make with my hands. And even though part of it is motivated for selfish reasons... the majority of it is love.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you. With all my love.