Without the dark, you'd never see the light.

For most of my life I was a perpetual pessimist. I always figured if I expected the worst a situation could be, then I was being prepared. Only after a few key moments in my life did I realize that was no way to live. Especially when you have children.

The problem is that being an optimist takes it's toll on you. Forever trying to encourage others and make them see the best of a dark situation.... it can be, well, exhausting.

Lately I've been feeling lost, a little confused and somewhat frustrated.

I've always been able to see myself in the future, whether it be the near or distant future, I could always see the path under my feet and where it was taking me. For some reason or another I seem to have strayed a bit. Now I'm started to wonder about the choices I've made in life and second guess what I was once so sure of.

I could never go back to an office job. I know that. But I started to wonder if staying home was the best thing for my family. If it was more of a selfish move than a productive one. And because there is no real right or wrong answer, I'm beyond frustrated. I hate the grey area that life throws at you once in a while, it makes for some rough roads.

So whether it be the fact that one of the babies I look after is having a hard time adjusting, or that it seems that I can only be in contact with my friends through social networking sites, or that nobody really understands why my day is just as tough as theirs... something has made me doubt my chosen path. And because of that, I've lost sight of WHY things were so important to me before. With all the stupid optimism I have for everbody else, I've none for myself.

Yes, it's a bit of a pity party, but at the same time it's a valid concern. Have you ever felt like you didn't have a purpose? That you were just a bump on a log?

I can't just live in the moment. Never been able to. I always have to be working towards something. I always have to feel as though what I do now is a small part of something much greater. Almost all my life I've been like that, and I like to think that it's helped me get where I am now.

So what's the point of this blog? To get it out and see it written down and wonder if I'm crazy or depressed? To vent a little?

Nah. I find that if I write about what I feel it makes me feel just ever so slightly better. I start to realize that even though I'm in a bit of a funk, the world still turns, life goes on and there's is always light at the end of the tunnel. I'll get out of it, it might take a day or two, but I'll emerge from it unscathed and better than ever.

"Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life’s about creating yourself.”
- George Bernard Shaw -

Comments

  1. LizSeptember 29, 2011 at 8:50 AM

    Post that comment from the always perspicacious George Bernard on your bathroom mirror. It says it all.

    ReplyDelete

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