A glimpse into my insanity...

Did you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just turn off your brain? I have lots of those... but that's besides the point! Today was particularily bad.

Sylvain and I have two wonderful little boys... I love them more than life itself and would do anything for them... we decided long ago on family, how many, age difference, etc etc.... anything that CAN be planned, we tried our best. Even what MONTHS they'd be born in... oh yes... we're weird.

But then today a strange thing happened. I started to wonder what it would be like to have another. I started to think about the pregnancies I had, the difficulties in the births, the long hours, the lack of sleep, the noise,  etc etc... and none of it seemed to affect me. I was able to excuse away it all. It was very strange... at least when I think of it now it is.

So anyway. I got so wrapped up in thought I started to imagine things... the room juggle... pulling out all the stored baby items... getting myself prepared for another c-section... etc etc... I actually approached Sylvain. Told him I was seriously thinking of another one... again, nothing he said to me could make me cringe or see the 'reality' of it all.

I know he would want more if we were in a different spot. I mean, financially, emotionally, etc all of the above really. But without really telling me no, he told me no. He would give me the moon if I asked. I sort of just looked at him, and then went back in the house.

Two things happened. Just two things in the last 2 1/2 hours that made me change my mind. Watching Sylvain roll around on the floor with his boys. Laughing and wrestling, just playing really. And then while we were walking outside... Jérôme reached for Xavier's hand, and they walked side by side... it was the single most adorable moment I've witnessed since Jérôme was born...

I realized something. I'm happy. And just because I'm happy doesn't mean I need to do something. For some reason, when things are going well... I decide that I need to do something... doesn't matter what it is, but I need to do SOMETHING... and at this moment it was have a baby. I mean... really? I need to throw a wrench into things?

Just a glimpse into my insanity and my realization of the extent of it.

My life is exactly where I want it. I have two amazing little boys that get along more often than not, a wonderful husband that does anything and everything for me, a home, friends, goals... why do I feel the need to do more? It's just something that... I don't even really know... it's something that I've always done.

When the other shoe doesn't drop I try to throw it up and run under it!



Comments

  1. LizAugust 7, 2011 at 9:50 AM

    You are doing something in your weight loss and exercise program, Tanya! No comment on the baby thing-not my business-but you have ongoing goals in other areas!

    ReplyDelete

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