I know it's in my head.

Sometimes I wonder about what I could have done or could do better. Almost always when it comes to my kids health. I know that lots of children get sick and almost ALL children when they're young get sick a lot. The problem? My kids are sick more than a lot. It seems like it's all the time. It's more than once a month and it's always something that needs antibiotics.

Xavier has had tonisillits 6 times this year. SIX. TIMES. That's grounds for getting them removed. I can't understand why my kids are getting so sick. My house is clean. I dust. I vaccum. I wash. I do all of that. No obsessivly, but enough that things are clean and disinfected on a regular basis. And what happens? My kids get sick all the time. Change cleaners. No affect. Clean less. No affect. Clean more, clean without them here, wash walls, multiple cleaners, etc etc etc.

What the hell am I doing wrong?!?

I don't need to hear that kids get sick all the time. It's normal. They get exposed to germs and then that strengthens them. Blah blah blah.

I really REALLY do understand the logistics of it. I do. You don't need to tell me again.

It's a horrible thing to feel like you're the cause of your children's discomfort. Like there was something you could've done, could DO to prevent this. A helpless feeling that is always there, nagging at you and making you feel useless.

I cried today. It was all I could do. I sat there and cried. My babies. My boys. They're always sick. What the hell am I doing wrong?

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I see what I need to do?

Is it at all possible that it's a phase? Not them, but me. That I'll eventually see this as beyond my control? No. I doubt it.

I don't want pity or sympathy. I swear. I didn't write this blog to get anything. I just need to write it down, I need to see the words in my head. It helps me keep the sanity that I sometimes feel like I'm losing.

There's such a fine line. I don't want to cross it again.

I love my boys. I want them to be better. Pray for them. Keep fingers crossed. Do whatever you do and send them good thoughts. They need it.

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