While I was waiting I changed

I called the doctor the other day to find out if they had sent in my referral for the weight loss surgery.

Turns out they did. That centre sent notification that they received the paper work and I am basically now in the queue to get on the waiting list.

Yup. I'm on the waiting list to get on the waiting list.

And know something?

I'm not upset. Nope.

I would've been about a week ago. Before Lola.

Lola is our miniature dachshund. She has a spine injury of some sort. We're not too terribly sure WHAT the injury is. We won't know until Saturday, or possibly next Thursday. We were referred to a Canine Fitness centre. Yup. They have those. We were told they generally take dogs that are worse off, but they're hopeful about her signs that she still has feeling in her legs/tail/etc.

You know what I did when I thought about Lola in pain and having to be put down (this was before I had seen her)? I cried. For almost three hours. I actually said out loud... I can't do this again. I just can't go through all of this again.

Then I called my mother.

Now, we haven't always had the BEST relationship. But we are closer now than we have ever been. So who do I call when I'm sad? My mommy and daddy. My mom answered the phone and I just started BAWLING... I had read a note from the sister of Lola's previous owner. She has been following my updates on Lola. She wanted me to know that she knows how much we love Lola and have cared for her, she put her trust in us to do the right thing. I cried and cried at my mother.

I said... well, almost SHOUTED... Everyone says to me, "God only gives you what you can handle." Why the HELL would he do this to me?? Why would he put her in my life to snatch her away? What kind of God does that?!?

I'm not very religious, spiritual yes, religious no. My mom on the other hand is. I knew this might have hurt her, but I didn't care, I was angry.

She very calmly said. Tanya. He's not doing it YOU... He's doing it Lola.

After talking a bit more, I said goodbye and sat on the couch getting ready for some more self pity.

Then I remembered those words... He's doing it to LOLA...

She's not really a demon dog... she has laser vision.

Why the hell am I crying?? I'm not the one who has lost the use of my legs. I'm not the one that's feeling pain and needs help going to the washroom and eating and drinking. I'm not the one stuck in a kennel 22 hours a day.

I'm crying because I'm sad for the emotion I have to feel? How stupid  selfish is that?

Then I started applying it to other areas that I thought were all about me. Like surgery, for instance.

Yes, I could get angry and throw a tantrum. Be upset about how long I have to wait and what and inconvenience it is for me. But... there are only so many doctors to do this... obesity is an epidemic, I'm not the only one looking for surgery..

There are lots of things I could get upset about for the pain it causes me or how time consuming it is. But what's the point? I make an idiot of myself for not being able to change the past or make time go faster...

I'm still not very religious, but my mom helped me see that it's not always about ME... I may be 33, but she's still teaching me stuff.