To me... or not to me...
Did you ever have one of those days where nothing goes right? You don't feel "into" it? You just want to go lie down and wait for it to pass?
How about more than one day like that?
How about an entire MONTH?
So I did a blog entry for day 10 of switching to Prozac. You can read that one here. I didn't blog after that, I couldn't. There was nothing I could write that would make everything seem better.
Things got really bad, I mean REALLY bad around day 13. That was the day if the world had ended I would've been ok with that. Not happy, not upset, just ok.
It was shit. Nobody should feel like that. Ever. Not ever.
Around day 20 things started to seem better, I had a small dose adjustment before that, so things were a bit better. Then after day 26 I started to feel like I was myself again.
As difficult as it was to switch from Cipralex to Prozac I'm glad I did. The process reminded me of who I am when I do not have the medication in my system. It reminded me that I do NOT like that person, and although I was very resistant to medication (or being medicated as put it) in the beginning, I'm grateful for it now. It lets me be... me... without the fake.
I had to go see a psychologist after all of this happened. Has nothing to do with my depression, has to do with my wanting bariatric surgery. She told me that when my first medication stopped working they (her and other doctors) refer to that as having a "med dump". It's when the medication stops working all at once. Nobody knows if or when it'll happen it just does. She said there were probably signs it was not being as effective as before but I probably contributed my moodiness to environmental factors (weather, tired, etc.).
The sad part of it all? My kids have had to become very familiar with the ugly side of me.
I mean, the VERY ugly side of me.
I started Cipralex when my eldest was less than a year old. So he has not known me as my husband did. X (my eldest) has never seen me go bat-shit-crazy over nothing and stay angry for days. He has never seen me lash out at those I love most over things that others would brush off or laugh at. He has never seen me so angry that I grit my teeth, clench my fists and scream to get it out. Whatever "it" is...
Both of my boys know about my disease, and they understand that the medication doesn't make me "happy" it just allows me to feel things more like everyone else.
When I had to switch, I explained to them what was happening and told them that I would need their help. My eldest says, Maman, I'll do my best to NOT argue with you. My youngest says, Maman, I'll be nice to the dayhome kids. My boys... what other 5 & 8 year old do that? I'm sure there are some, but I don't know of them personally.
For three weeks they endured only a small portion of the "unbalanced" me. My husband endured the brunt of it, usually when they were in bed or not around. Lucky for me he toughs out the stupid shit I dish out and just takes it. Among all the anger I felt towards everything around me there was something else. He told me he has never seen me that scared. He looked past the anger and watched for other things. The little victories that said I was trying, the look that said, I know I'm wrong but I just can't stop.
When the medication finally started to level out my system, I started to apologize and try to make amends. My kids... my husband... they said no. It wasn't necessary, there was no explanation needed, no retraction... nothing... they accepted that this happened and it was all done now.
I do share that I suffer from depression, I tell a lot of people, it's a large part of me - it doesn't define me - but it's part of me. I've discovered many many people that suffer from depression or anxiety. It's amazing what happens when you open that door for conversation.
My posts have no rhyme or reason to them really. It's the ramblings of a broken woman that needs to get it out and in writing.
How about more than one day like that?
How about an entire MONTH?
So I did a blog entry for day 10 of switching to Prozac. You can read that one here. I didn't blog after that, I couldn't. There was nothing I could write that would make everything seem better.
Things got really bad, I mean REALLY bad around day 13. That was the day if the world had ended I would've been ok with that. Not happy, not upset, just ok.
It was shit. Nobody should feel like that. Ever. Not ever.
Around day 20 things started to seem better, I had a small dose adjustment before that, so things were a bit better. Then after day 26 I started to feel like I was myself again.
As difficult as it was to switch from Cipralex to Prozac I'm glad I did. The process reminded me of who I am when I do not have the medication in my system. It reminded me that I do NOT like that person, and although I was very resistant to medication (or being medicated as put it) in the beginning, I'm grateful for it now. It lets me be... me... without the fake.
I had to go see a psychologist after all of this happened. Has nothing to do with my depression, has to do with my wanting bariatric surgery. She told me that when my first medication stopped working they (her and other doctors) refer to that as having a "med dump". It's when the medication stops working all at once. Nobody knows if or when it'll happen it just does. She said there were probably signs it was not being as effective as before but I probably contributed my moodiness to environmental factors (weather, tired, etc.).
The sad part of it all? My kids have had to become very familiar with the ugly side of me.
I mean, the VERY ugly side of me.
I started Cipralex when my eldest was less than a year old. So he has not known me as my husband did. X (my eldest) has never seen me go bat-shit-crazy over nothing and stay angry for days. He has never seen me lash out at those I love most over things that others would brush off or laugh at. He has never seen me so angry that I grit my teeth, clench my fists and scream to get it out. Whatever "it" is...
Both of my boys know about my disease, and they understand that the medication doesn't make me "happy" it just allows me to feel things more like everyone else.
When I had to switch, I explained to them what was happening and told them that I would need their help. My eldest says, Maman, I'll do my best to NOT argue with you. My youngest says, Maman, I'll be nice to the dayhome kids. My boys... what other 5 & 8 year old do that? I'm sure there are some, but I don't know of them personally.
For three weeks they endured only a small portion of the "unbalanced" me. My husband endured the brunt of it, usually when they were in bed or not around. Lucky for me he toughs out the stupid shit I dish out and just takes it. Among all the anger I felt towards everything around me there was something else. He told me he has never seen me that scared. He looked past the anger and watched for other things. The little victories that said I was trying, the look that said, I know I'm wrong but I just can't stop.
When the medication finally started to level out my system, I started to apologize and try to make amends. My kids... my husband... they said no. It wasn't necessary, there was no explanation needed, no retraction... nothing... they accepted that this happened and it was all done now.
I do share that I suffer from depression, I tell a lot of people, it's a large part of me - it doesn't define me - but it's part of me. I've discovered many many people that suffer from depression or anxiety. It's amazing what happens when you open that door for conversation.
My posts have no rhyme or reason to them really. It's the ramblings of a broken woman that needs to get it out and in writing.
Not broken, Tanya, healing. May this medication continue to work well for you. You are a really strong person who does enormous good in this world. Keep the faith!
ReplyDelete