Give up or do something drastic

I've all but given up on losing weight.

I stopped running a while ago. My knees hurt too much and my ankles were taking a beating.

I stopped going to weight watchers meetings because I was stuck at a plateau for almost a year and a half... who wants to pay $16 a week to NOT lose weight?

I stopped going to the gym 5-6 nights a week because I have a second "job" babysitting during the evening.

And most depressing...

I stopped believing in myself.

Years ago when I first realized I was 261 lbs I looked into getting some sort of liposuction, oh yes I did... but that was lazy, hasn't tried alot of options me. It was a brief glimpse with no real result.

My next step? Exercise. But with no-one telling me how to go about it, it was a waste of time.

Then... LA weightloss... then various forms of supplements.... then Weight Watchers... by far my biggest success... and more exercise - this time with a trainer and online searching...

My lowest since then has been around 211 lbs... a great accomplishment by any standards... BUT... I hit a wall... I couldn't move it, I tried to go around it.

I kept chugging along because I wanted to succeed, I felt great at that weight, what would I feel like at an even LOWER weight??!

I had lots of support and lots of ideas.

One by one I tried the ideas. Not just for a few days. For months, to give it a REAL shot at success... and slowly the ideas dwindled... I had little left. This wall was endless, with no way around or over it that I could see.

Now? I'm up to 228lbs... yes. I gained almost 18lbs in the last 8-9 months. The exercise, while not helping me LOSE weight, was helping me MAINTAIN the weight I was at. But now... as much as I shudder at saying these words...

I don't have time, not anymore.

The boys are getting older and are starting to become interested in extra-curricular activities... they need more of my time... More homework... more of my time.

Sylvain and I have set up a treadmill and elliptical in the basement. I CAN work out at home when my dayhome kids are napping. That gives me an hour every other day... because on the off days I need to work with Jerome to help him prepare for Kindergarten...

Even if I COULD work out an hour a day, it would still only maintain the 228 I've gotten up to.

I need help. I am going to do something drastic. I'm going to go under this stupid wall.

I've made a doctors appointment for next Thursday afternoon. I'm going to inquire about getting gastric banding. In order to be eligible for that to be covered by Alberta Health you need: Doctor referral. BMI of 40+. A chronic condition brought on by too much weight.

Two of those three things I have. Now I just need to see the doctor and see if she agrees enough to give me a referral.

Giving up would be so much easier.

Giving up is tempting.

Giving up is NOT an option in this house.

If there's a way to get there, I'm going to try it. After almost 5 years of trying to get down to that weight that would allow me to be a better me, I've exhausted all non-surgical options. Now onto the unknown.

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