Today was NOT a good day
So I've been suffering.
By "me" I mean my family.
About 10 months ago I decided to make a lot of changes. School, career, kids, etc. It was a lot all at once. My thoughts? I hate change, can't stand it, so I do it all at once then it'll be over faster right?
Wrong.
At the same time my depression and anxiety went through the roof. I knew the anxiety would, change and all, it was inevitable. The depression however, took me by surprise, sort of... if you have it you know what I mean.. if you don't... well... It's like knowing that you're going to step on something sharp, you KNOW you will, the floor is covered in glass. But you walk through anyway, and it's not the first, second or third step. You don't know really when, but when it hits you... BAM.. it's surprising, but not really.
I ramble.
I thought with time things would get better. Getting used to change takes time. However, over the past 6 months, things have gotten worse. Not better. It was like a knife to the stomach.
Today I went to the doctor to get a medication adjustment. About 2 weeks ago I said out loud, I'm tired of being mom, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being...
That made me do a double take. That's the start of suicidal thoughts. That was me 10yrs ago wondering if I drove into a train if it would end at once or if I would suffer. The only thing that stopped me then was a baby. He's my baby, or was at the time, he was the reason I went on medication and straightened out.
This time around? What am I doing it for? Why should I bother?
Went to the doctor, got the prescription. She told me to 'spring clean' my life, prioritize, etc. She said to see a psychiatrist. Which I will.
Anyway, what made today bad?
I hit my youngest. Like slapped him across the face.
As you know from my blog (or perhaps don't know), I did the 365 no yelling challenge. It was great, kids responded great, husband was supportive... I was an awesome mom for doing it. At least I thought so.
Today, when doing a work sheet, he gave me some attitude. Nothing I haven't seen before, or heard before. But I snapped. I slapped him (hard) across the face and yelled at him to go to his room.
I then finished making supper, served everyone and went downstairs. I screamed at the top of my lungs and hit my head and hands on the fridge.
Shame doesn't begin to describe how I feel.
I did apologize, I cried and said I was sorry for hitting him... he had come to apologize to me... know what he said? It's ok maman, it was my fault.
WHAT?? No, not your fault. I told him it was me, I snapped and was sorry.
This is depression. This is what it can look like. It isn't always someone curled up in a ball in bed ignoring the world.
Sometimes it's yelling. Hitting. Saying things we don't mean, but can't help. Being quiet or too loud. Drinking. Not eating.
Read between the lines. Recognize someone may be crying out for help. I'm lucky to have the support I do. Some don't.
Point of this blog? Awareness. I share so that people know they're not alone. I give depression and anxiety a face. :)
Have questions? Ask. Know someone that might need help? Help.
Love to all!
By "me" I mean my family.
About 10 months ago I decided to make a lot of changes. School, career, kids, etc. It was a lot all at once. My thoughts? I hate change, can't stand it, so I do it all at once then it'll be over faster right?
Wrong.
At the same time my depression and anxiety went through the roof. I knew the anxiety would, change and all, it was inevitable. The depression however, took me by surprise, sort of... if you have it you know what I mean.. if you don't... well... It's like knowing that you're going to step on something sharp, you KNOW you will, the floor is covered in glass. But you walk through anyway, and it's not the first, second or third step. You don't know really when, but when it hits you... BAM.. it's surprising, but not really.
I ramble.
I thought with time things would get better. Getting used to change takes time. However, over the past 6 months, things have gotten worse. Not better. It was like a knife to the stomach.
Today I went to the doctor to get a medication adjustment. About 2 weeks ago I said out loud, I'm tired of being mom, I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of being...
That made me do a double take. That's the start of suicidal thoughts. That was me 10yrs ago wondering if I drove into a train if it would end at once or if I would suffer. The only thing that stopped me then was a baby. He's my baby, or was at the time, he was the reason I went on medication and straightened out.
This time around? What am I doing it for? Why should I bother?
Went to the doctor, got the prescription. She told me to 'spring clean' my life, prioritize, etc. She said to see a psychiatrist. Which I will.
Anyway, what made today bad?
I hit my youngest. Like slapped him across the face.
As you know from my blog (or perhaps don't know), I did the 365 no yelling challenge. It was great, kids responded great, husband was supportive... I was an awesome mom for doing it. At least I thought so.
Today, when doing a work sheet, he gave me some attitude. Nothing I haven't seen before, or heard before. But I snapped. I slapped him (hard) across the face and yelled at him to go to his room.
I then finished making supper, served everyone and went downstairs. I screamed at the top of my lungs and hit my head and hands on the fridge.
Shame doesn't begin to describe how I feel.
I did apologize, I cried and said I was sorry for hitting him... he had come to apologize to me... know what he said? It's ok maman, it was my fault.
WHAT?? No, not your fault. I told him it was me, I snapped and was sorry.
This is depression. This is what it can look like. It isn't always someone curled up in a ball in bed ignoring the world.
Sometimes it's yelling. Hitting. Saying things we don't mean, but can't help. Being quiet or too loud. Drinking. Not eating.
Read between the lines. Recognize someone may be crying out for help. I'm lucky to have the support I do. Some don't.
Point of this blog? Awareness. I share so that people know they're not alone. I give depression and anxiety a face. :)
Have questions? Ask. Know someone that might need help? Help.
Love to all!
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