A glimpse into my personal insanity

Xavier? Yes Maman? Do you think I should cut my hair again? You mean like a rockstar? Yea. Probably. Why probably? Because your hair makes you look like a maman. ? What the heck is THAT supposed to mean? Oh well, that's what I get for asking advice from a 5year old. A pretty awesome 5 year old, but a 5 year old nonetheless. I started to wonder earlier on the weekend if I'm every going to really feel like the grown up. Most of the time it feels like I'm just being the bossy older kid that gets pissy when she doesn't get her own way. You know, like it feels when you're not winning that stupid nintendo game against your younger brother. He always made me feel uncoordinated... no matter that I am, but that's another blog I think. We were at the science centre on the weekend. Wicked awesome place, by the way. And I found myself not caring where my kids were, and getting upset when they were wrecking my tunnel system at one of the exhibits. And i...

While having dinner with a friend and friends of that friend one of those dreaded subjects came up... Taxes? Nah... Politics? Nope... Religion? Yikes... that's the one. My friend and her friends are of the Mormon church. They were talking about what they're involved with, their "calling's", how many children, etc etc. Being very curious, I started asking questions. How many children do you have? What is a "calling"? And questions of that sort. I'm naturally curious... and no, I don't care how many cats it killed. Of course, if you ask questions, you should be prepared to answer some yourself. It's sort a double-edged sword I guess. Maybe that's what killed the cat.... hmm... something to ponder... but that's a different blog I think. They asked me how many children I have. Two. Oh, and are you finished having children? Yes. Oh. What the heck does that mean?!? Ok, never mind, be nice. What do you do for a living? Oh, I ...

While we sat down for dinner last night, Sylvain and I decided to take a few minutes to explain the rules of going to the Military Museums to Xavier. They were going on a field trip with Beavers last night and he's never been to a museum like that, so we wanted to make sure he didn't think he could touch and play with everything. Papa: Xavier, at the museum do we touch all the things that are there for people to see? Xavier: No. Papa: Because there are some ropes in front of things at the museum, and it looks like you could just go under them, but we can't do that. Xavier: Ropes? Like the ones at the pool? Me: Sort of, honey, but these ones are to protect the things from everybody touching them. Papa: Now, if the other Beavers decide they're going to go under the ropes and not pay attention to the rules, is Xavier going to do that? Xavier: No, Papa. I'm not. But I want to see the guns. That would be so cool. And I wonder if they will let us touch them too... ...

There's a saying, that I've heard more than once, that you cannot choose your family. That's not true. I was chosen . In 1987 my mother met my father. I was 6 at the time and my brother 4. It took him a while to find us, but in the end, he did. I do not share any of his genes, but people, even my father-in-law, says that we look so much alike. A lot of people have told me how much of him they see in my children, his grandsons. And each time I hear these comments I grin and stand a little taller. Mostly because it's true, but also because I truly believe that he was meant to be my father, our father, and it just took him a while to find us. It means a lot to go into a relationship with a woman that has two children from a previous... whatever it was... I guess what I'm trying to say is that it means a lot to go into the relationship and stay there. A lot of men wouldn't bother, some would try and give up, but there's only one that jumped in feet first...

Lately, and by more than a few people, I've been asked how I keep my motivation. The word motivation is derived from the word motive. And Webster's dictionary defines motive as something (such as a need or desire) that causes a person to act. It's simple enough to find out what the word means, but the "something" in that definition is a little more difficult to define. The core of everyone's motivation should be themselves. It should be that they're trying to improve themselves for them. So the answer to everyone's question, how do I keep my motivation? I don't keep it, it keeps me. It's so overwhelming trying to better yourself. With a child or children to take care of, a home, work, friends and just life in general. To find time is impossible, but to MAKE time to better yourself? That's a challenge, but a necessary one. My whole life I've made excuses for my faults and short-comings, I never took responsibility for creating my...

I've decided to give up. I'm done. I don't think my fussing, worrying, self-torture, misery, heartache, anguish and self-doubt is helping my children get better. I'm looking at this in totally the wrong way. I've been so worried about what I'M doing wrong I forgot who's suffering. My boys. They don't care if I used a bleach or lysol cleaner, they don't care if the sheets are washed in hot or cold water, they don't even care if they wash their hands before they eat (ick). All they care about is if Maman and Papa are there when they DO get sick. They're going to get sick. I can't prevent it. There's no way around it. They WILL get sick. The fact that all of October they've been sick more than they've been well, I guess that's just bad luck. Not much I can do there either. They've been afflicted with the most random things and as much as I want to blame this, that and the other thing, what's happened has happened....

Sometimes I wonder about what I could have done or could do better. Almost always when it comes to my kids health. I know that lots of children get sick and almost ALL children when they're young get sick a lot. The problem? My kids are sick more than a lot. It seems like it's all the time. It's more than once a month and it's always something that needs antibiotics. Xavier has had tonisillits 6 times this year. SIX. TIMES. That's grounds for getting them removed. I can't understand why my kids are getting so sick . My house is clean. I dust. I vaccum. I wash. I do all of that. No obsessivly, but enough that things are clean and disinfected on a regular basis. And what happens? My kids get sick all the time. Change cleaners. No affect. Clean less. No affect. Clean more, clean without them here, wash walls, multiple cleaners, etc etc etc. What the hell am I doing wrong?!? I don't need to hear that kids get sick all the time. It's normal. They get e...