A glimpse into my personal insanity

There are a lot of things husbands are good for... the obvious being number one... hehehe... carrying the heavy stuff... GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!! Seriously though, uh, never ask your husband to comment on your new art style when you're not even sure yourself. In the end I really like how it turned out, and I think I can improve it the next time around. But I don't think I'm going to ever ask Sylvain again. The man has no idea what to say. He starts to by saying, oh yea, it looks nice. NICE??? That's not the word I want to hear. Different, odd, abstract, interesting... anything but nice... nice is what you say to your mother when you don't know what to tell her about her new hairstyle! I mean COME ON!!! Oh so not happy.... Then he says... well... I don't like the stems of the flowers... okay... why... the dark green and light green contrast too much... uh... huh? Of course it does! It's supposed to! Oh... then it looks pretty nice. Oh geez. Go away....

I can't believe my baby is going to preschool already. He had his first day yesterday, very emotional for me. I got him all ready, he had his back pack on and lunchpail in hand. He went out the door with his Papa, about 1/2 way down the walk he turned around and waved good-bye to me, then he hopped in the car and Papa got in and they drove off. I cried. I felt so silly, but I couldn't help it. I just cried and thought about the day he was born and how small he was. Where in the world does the time go?? It's already been four years since he was born? You can be serious, I mean, he's still my baby. It's hard to believe, obviously, but it's even harder to accept. He had a great day. When he got home and told me all about his day... I wasn't sure if I should feel better or worse. I mean, he had a lot of fun and he wants to go back, and that's what I'm supposed to want him to say... right? :S I'm sure I'll figure out my emotions, until then I...

I was doing just fine up until last week. Then I stopped eating breakfast. It seemed like I didn't have time, or by the time I remembered it was almost lunch. I was eating almost all my weight watchers points, but it was almost all junk. Woe is me. I was sabotaging myself again. :) I still lost one pound, but I would much rather lose the 2 1/2 - 3 lbs I was losing in the weeks before. So my short term goal this week? Get back to eating properly and eating my BREAKFAST!!! All my other thoughts were about an exercise goal, or some sort of tracking goal... this time, just get BACK on track is my goal. Whew. That and determining if my dayhome boys are going to work out with me or not. :( Seems like the older one is just too aggressive for his own good. He's constantly hitting, taking toys away, yelling at the other kids, throwing food and drinks, etc. I'm pretty sure he's partially pushing my buttons. But my fear is that this is all too much just him. It's his personali...

Seems like I have will power after all. :) I was able to go out a few times this week and NOT get something from a fast food place. It might not seem like much to most people, but I'm not most people. I have a strange weakness for fast food. It's odd and I don't understand it all the time. But it's there and I was able to ignore it while I was out. I no longer visit the grocery store while hungry, I don't give in to any cravings unless it's for something healthy and I don't eat and eat and eat while at home. I do have the odd desire to eat a chocolate bar or something, but if I do have it, I have it and move on. It's not controlling me like it once did. It's nice. I hope that the rest of my journey is similar to this. Where I can control myself and my hunger. A lot of what I'm going through seems to be mental. It's all in my head and if I can get a hang on it, I'm set. I've got an ultimate goal for myself. 100lbs. :) That's right,...

Over the last few days, I've been having weak moments. Mostly when I'm by myself. When Sylvain, or the boys are with me, I seem to be stronger. As soon as I'm by myself, I start have arguments with my own brain. Yikes. I know. I went to Toys 'R Us yesterday to pick up a few things, and I had a few other stops first. Get gas in the RAV and get something from AMA, no biggie right? Wrong. I filled the car, and headed over to AMA. I started telling myself how nice it would be to have an Iced Capp, it's such a warm day, why not have a little one... no, you can't, you'll ruin all your work. Okay, I won't, but what about getting something from McDonalds? No, you can't do that either, that's bad. Well, if I go to Tim's and JUST get the Iced Capp... and it went on and on like that. Sheesh. In the end, I made it to Toys 'R Us without stopping at any fast food joints. Once I got in there, I thought, whew, I'm okay now. No, not so much. I hovered...

Well... like the title says, it's a new week. It's time for a new start and probably new worries, but hey, it's all about new. :D I've been getting more and more interest in my dayhome, that makes me feel good. I've even had somebody from Liverpool, United Kingdom, e-mail me about it. If THAT isn't odd, I don't know what is. They're coming over in September for a month long missionary work. And because of that they need a few hours of child care each day. I don't know if it's some sort of hoax or not, but I'm trying to believe in honest human nature and not something sinister. Nowadays, that's hard to do, but hey, everything isn't evil. Aside from that, I'm going to try and have a better outlook for this week. It's not something I'm used to. Optimism that is. I'm usually very pessimistic and unable to see the good in anything. But I'm trying to be hopeful and upbeat, that way losing weight will be easier. Mmmph... ...

Did you ever start something and it starts out great? Looks like things are going to go well and smooth? Have a few minor bumps? Then suddenly it seems like the heavens and all the powers in the universe are working against you? TRYING to get you to give up? Oh yea. That's me now. I'm feeling the stress of starting a dayhome. It feels like I'm been stretched beyond my skin's ability, it's not a good feeling. Then I feel the pain of my Dad. He's worried, he's stressed, he's not doing so well... what do I do there? I can only help so much and it's all emotional. I feel helpless. What do you do when this happens? What do I do? I write. I paint. I cry by myself, when no-one else is around. I tell myself the most absurd things, it'll get better, when you hit bottom you can only go up, blah blah blah. I'm not sure if I actually believe myself, but it almost feels better to tell myself all these stupid cliches. All that I can really do is hope. That...