A glimpse into my personal insanity

I've decided to give up. I'm done. I don't think my fussing, worrying, self-torture, misery, heartache, anguish and self-doubt is helping my children get better. I'm looking at this in totally the wrong way. I've been so worried about what I'M doing wrong I forgot who's suffering. My boys. They don't care if I used a bleach or lysol cleaner, they don't care if the sheets are washed in hot or cold water, they don't even care if they wash their hands before they eat (ick). All they care about is if Maman and Papa are there when they DO get sick. They're going to get sick. I can't prevent it. There's no way around it. They WILL get sick. The fact that all of October they've been sick more than they've been well, I guess that's just bad luck. Not much I can do there either. They've been afflicted with the most random things and as much as I want to blame this, that and the other thing, what's happened has happened....

Sometimes I wonder about what I could have done or could do better. Almost always when it comes to my kids health. I know that lots of children get sick and almost ALL children when they're young get sick a lot. The problem? My kids are sick more than a lot. It seems like it's all the time. It's more than once a month and it's always something that needs antibiotics. Xavier has had tonisillits 6 times this year. SIX. TIMES. That's grounds for getting them removed. I can't understand why my kids are getting so sick . My house is clean. I dust. I vaccum. I wash. I do all of that. No obsessivly, but enough that things are clean and disinfected on a regular basis. And what happens? My kids get sick all the time. Change cleaners. No affect. Clean less. No affect. Clean more, clean without them here, wash walls, multiple cleaners, etc etc etc. What the hell am I doing wrong?!? I don't need to hear that kids get sick all the time. It's normal. They get e...

I'm thankful for a lot of things in my life. My kids, my husband, my family... all that. But I don't like Thanksgiving. I understand, for the most part, what the holiday is symbolic of and why we gather. I just don't like it. I haven't had much luck on that holiday in the last few years. That weekend is always a weekend of bad luck or, to quote a movie, 'a series of unfortunate events'. And this year was no exception. My boys were sick before the weekend and just seemed to get worse on that weekend. We weren't able to go visit family and we barely got out of the house at all. There are lots of people that don't have that sort of luck. That can have that weekend go by without even blinking, it's such a breeze, but not I. It's one of those holidays that I look forward to getting through as quickly and painlessly as possible! I would much rather have Halloween as a holiday! I love the costumes, the decorations, the mood, the scary movies... p...

For most of my life I was a perpetual pessimist. I always figured if I expected the worst a situation could be, then I was being prepared. Only after a few key moments in my life did I realize that was no way to live. Especially when you have children. The problem is that being an optimist takes it's toll on you. Forever trying to encourage others and make them see the best of a dark situation.... it can be, well, exhausting. Lately I've been feeling lost, a little confused and somewhat frustrated. I've always been able to see myself in the future, whether it be the near or distant future, I could always see the path under my feet and where it was taking me. For some reason or another I seem to have strayed a bit. Now I'm started to wonder about the choices I've made in life and second guess what I was once so sure of. I could never go back to an office job. I know that. But I started to wonder if staying home was the best thing for my family. If it was more...

So this past Sunday was the unofficial 1st year since I started my weight loss journey. And for whatever crazy reason, I decided to mark the occasion with a 5k run. Oh geez, what was I thinking, right? Well. My training was going well, up until I contracted Strep Throat of all things. It was horrible. For 2 weeks I couldn't do any running, exercising, nothing... it was definitely a set back. Nonethelesss, I showed up for the 5k and vowed to at least finish it without passing out or something like that. So I did my own little warm up, which I discovered wasn't nearly enough, of squats, lunges and some kicks. I thought it was good enough and then just sort of chatted with Sylvain and played with the boys. Then there was the call to line up, and they say to line up according to how you run and what time you think you'll place. I put myself at the very back. Oh yea, that says confidence, right? NOT! Line up, 3-2-1, GO! I started running, turned on my MP3 player and plug...

You know there's always going to be little things that you take for granted in life... things that you don't think about very much, you just DO or just HAVE... but what if you were to have a LOT of those little things taken away from you all at once? Would you be just as oblivious? Would you continue to take them for granted if you could get them back? Of all the things in the world that I could've woken up with on Monday, of all the things I've had in the past, sure enough, something new this time! Yay me... Strep Throat. Man... this sucks. Monday: Not too bad, feeling sorta icky and a really sore throat... but it'll probably develop into something like a cold later... bah... nothing new. OMG... the evening I was getting chills... there was no way to warm up or stop shivering... holy crap... Tuesday: Death walks... or at least that's how I looked/felt... my throat was so sore that I couldn't even swallow liquid. Horrible. The only way to describe....

Jérôme! Don't hit Maman's hand! ARGH! ... followed by lots of crying.... Oh for... ... sigh... Recognize this? No? You obviously don't have an almost-two-year-old that refuses to eat. I don't mean he doesn't want to eat... I mean he flat out refuses to eat anything but a few items. Crackers Bread w/ margarine cheese strawberries (sometimes) hotdogs waffles/pancakes w/ syrup and whipped cream That's it. He seriously won't eat anything else. Sometimes he'll eat some plain pasta or rice... but that's about it. It's so way beyond frustrating at this point. I don't know anymore. So, of course I do the logical thing. I blame myself. Last night I got so frustrated with Jérôme I actually smacked his hand when he went to shove the plate away. Then I flicked him on the forehead. Oh geez. I felt so bad. Sylvain came in from outside and told me he'd take over for a while. I went into the backyard and sat on the steps and star...