Scared Silly

Did you ever get something you wanted, that you've wanted for so long, and when you got it you were scared? I mean, terrified? Because you're not sure what comes next?

I'm at that point in my weightloss. For the past 7 or 8 years, I've been heavier than 220lbs... now I'm not. I'm officially 218lbs... oh my gosh. When I got on the scale and saw that I could believe my eyes. I had to get off, wash my face and get back on. Sure enough, 218lbs. I was shocked! I had done it... I'm lighter than I was when I got married 7 years ago. Holy crap....

Now what?

I mean, I know that I keep going, I keep fighting to get this weight off and more so to KEEP it off. But what's my next goal? 210? 200? I've never been in a position where I thought I would get here, let alone be in a position to make ANOTHER goal to reach.

I'm terrified. I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm scared I'll get complacent and gain it back. I'm scared that I'm dreaming. I'm scared that I'm not stuck, that this is the lightest I'll ever be. I'm scared that if I made it this far and I make that next goal, it'll take me another 7 years to get there... but more than that, I'm scared that I'm going to screw it up and fall flat on my face and let myself, my family and my friends down.

This is where my usual optimistic self runs away and allows Pessimistic Pansy emerge. And what do I usually do? Give in and go have a huge bowl of ice cream, cookies and cake. mmmm... cake...

But after typing this entry I've discovered something. I'm my own worst enemy. The only one that can sabotage me, IS me. Nobody forces me to eat or drink the things I do, it's all my own decision. It's always been my own decision. And it's time for me to own it and move on.

So here it is. My next goal. I want to get under 200lbs. When it'll happen, I'm not sure, but it'll happen. With the support and love of all my friends and family, I'll get there.

Yea. I'm still terrified. But I'm excited too. This is what it's like to be in my wonderfully weird brain!

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