A glimpse into my personal insanity

For most of my life I was a perpetual pessimist. I always figured if I expected the worst a situation could be, then I was being prepared. Only after a few key moments in my life did I realize that was no way to live. Especially when you have children. The problem is that being an optimist takes it's toll on you. Forever trying to encourage others and make them see the best of a dark situation.... it can be, well, exhausting. Lately I've been feeling lost, a little confused and somewhat frustrated. I've always been able to see myself in the future, whether it be the near or distant future, I could always see the path under my feet and where it was taking me. For some reason or another I seem to have strayed a bit. Now I'm started to wonder about the choices I've made in life and second guess what I was once so sure of. I could never go back to an office job. I know that. But I started to wonder if staying home was the best thing for my family. If it was more...

So this past Sunday was the unofficial 1st year since I started my weight loss journey. And for whatever crazy reason, I decided to mark the occasion with a 5k run. Oh geez, what was I thinking, right? Well. My training was going well, up until I contracted Strep Throat of all things. It was horrible. For 2 weeks I couldn't do any running, exercising, nothing... it was definitely a set back. Nonethelesss, I showed up for the 5k and vowed to at least finish it without passing out or something like that. So I did my own little warm up, which I discovered wasn't nearly enough, of squats, lunges and some kicks. I thought it was good enough and then just sort of chatted with Sylvain and played with the boys. Then there was the call to line up, and they say to line up according to how you run and what time you think you'll place. I put myself at the very back. Oh yea, that says confidence, right? NOT! Line up, 3-2-1, GO! I started running, turned on my MP3 player and plug...

You know there's always going to be little things that you take for granted in life... things that you don't think about very much, you just DO or just HAVE... but what if you were to have a LOT of those little things taken away from you all at once? Would you be just as oblivious? Would you continue to take them for granted if you could get them back? Of all the things in the world that I could've woken up with on Monday, of all the things I've had in the past, sure enough, something new this time! Yay me... Strep Throat. Man... this sucks. Monday: Not too bad, feeling sorta icky and a really sore throat... but it'll probably develop into something like a cold later... bah... nothing new. OMG... the evening I was getting chills... there was no way to warm up or stop shivering... holy crap... Tuesday: Death walks... or at least that's how I looked/felt... my throat was so sore that I couldn't even swallow liquid. Horrible. The only way to describe....

Jérôme! Don't hit Maman's hand! ARGH! ... followed by lots of crying.... Oh for... ... sigh... Recognize this? No? You obviously don't have an almost-two-year-old that refuses to eat. I don't mean he doesn't want to eat... I mean he flat out refuses to eat anything but a few items. Crackers Bread w/ margarine cheese strawberries (sometimes) hotdogs waffles/pancakes w/ syrup and whipped cream That's it. He seriously won't eat anything else. Sometimes he'll eat some plain pasta or rice... but that's about it. It's so way beyond frustrating at this point. I don't know anymore. So, of course I do the logical thing. I blame myself. Last night I got so frustrated with Jérôme I actually smacked his hand when he went to shove the plate away. Then I flicked him on the forehead. Oh geez. I felt so bad. Sylvain came in from outside and told me he'd take over for a while. I went into the backyard and sat on the steps and star...

Did you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just turn off your brain? I have lots of those... but that's besides the point! Today was particularily bad. Sylvain and I have two wonderful little boys... I love them more than life itself and would do anything for them... we decided long ago on family, how many, age difference, etc etc.... anything that CAN be planned, we tried our best. Even what MONTHS they'd be born in... oh yes... we're weird. But then today a strange thing happened. I started to wonder what it would be like to have another. I started to think about the pregnancies I had, the difficulties in the births, the long hours, the lack of sleep, the noise,  etc etc... and none of it seemed to affect me. I was able to excuse away it all. It was very strange... at least when I think of it now it is. So anyway. I got so wrapped up in thought I started to imagine things... the room juggle... pulling out all the stored baby items... getting myself...

On Thursday July 21st I wake up from a less than restful sleep... it's just one of those nights. A couple of nightmares (my own... read this blog for more details), kids waking up or just calling out... and of course... once in a while nature calls in the middle of the friggin' night! I walk downstairs, yawn, unlock the front door and go into the kitchen... very quickly my day begins. Both my boys are up around 7am... same time that the first two kids arrive for the day... making breakfast for those four doesn't take much, but getting them all to calm down and get to the kitchen to eat... that's another story! So by now it's about 7:20 and the other two kids are here for the day... one I take from his mom and the girl wants to go see the kids at the table. 7:30 rolls around and the dayhome is in full swing! That's just the start. In the kitchen I am trying to get some juice for the baby boy... but as I walk out of the kitchen I look over at Amadeus... Oh ...

I have nightmares. No, not your normal ones either. These are wake up crying and scared beyond words sort of nightmares. I've had them every night for almost 15 years. I am my own worst enemy. This is the part where you start to wonder... why is she telling us this? Why in the WORLD would she blog about this? Is she truly going to tell us that she has bad dreams and expect us to take her seriously? I'll tell you why. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of not sleeping. And I hope by blogging about this it'll help me in some sort of weird self-help way. Steven King, Dean Koontz, M. Night Shyamalan... none of 'em have anything on what goes on in my head. I love horror movies. I don't know why. But I do. I like to be scared, I like to have that suspensful feeling... etc etc... so you'd think that's my problem right? Nope. My nightmares have nothing to do with any of the friggin' movies I watch. And that's the honest truth. There's n...