A glimpse into my personal insanity

So I've been suffering. By "me" I mean my family. About 10 months ago I decided to make a lot of changes. School, career, kids, etc. It was a lot all at once. My thoughts? I hate change, can't stand it, so I do it all at once then it'll be over faster right? Wrong. At the same time my depression and anxiety went through the roof. I knew the anxiety would, change and all, it was inevitable. The depression however, took me by surprise, sort of... if you have it you know what I mean.. if you don't... well... It's like knowing that you're going to step on something sharp, you KNOW you will, the floor is covered in glass. But you walk through anyway, and it's not the first, second or third step. You don't know really when, but when it hits you... BAM.. it's surprising, but not really. I ramble. I thought with time things would get better. Getting used to change takes time. However, over the past 6 months, things have gotten worse. ...

After almost seven years I'm closing my dayhome. I've had the same girl with me for four of those years. None of my kids were with me less than a year. It's amazing how attached you get to other peoples children. Finding the courage to tell the parents I was closing was the most difficult thing I've ever ever had to do. I know it won't be the last difficult thing, and I know that there will be moments in my life that will not even compare to this. For now, this is my life. I cry at the thought of losing these kids. I smile at the thought of working outside my home again. I get upset when I think of all the things I'm going to miss with this. I laugh at the thought of getting my art "studio" back. I am conflicted emotionally. My husband, my boys, they've got my back. They're supportive and encouraging. I've got wonderful family and friends to help me through this. It is a selfish thing of me to feel this way, however, I need to...

I haven't blogged in a while. There's been nothing really to say. Life got really busy at the beginning of September... I mean... CRAZY BUSY... Scouts started up again, school, taekwondo, gymnastics, fundraising... my goodness... we're in the thick of it... While all of those things could bring a "blog worthy" post, there's something else I want to talk about. I have a child. He's seven years old. He's a boy. Definitely. Loves guns, getting dirty, trucks, cars, airplanes, emojis, pink and purple... wait... what?!? You mean to tell me boys can like things that may be meant for girls?? Holy shit. No way. We went shopping for clothes for school. Do you think we could find ANYTHING in the boys section that had emojis on it? He loves emojis. I have no idea why, but his favorite one is the one with the hearts in the eyes.... We went over to the girls section. EMOJIS GALORE. I mean it! Pants, purses, sweaters, longs sleeve shirts, short sleeve ...

It's been a little bit since my last post. I didn't think I had anything to write about. I guess I was wrong. I go out to the dog park to walk my dog (duh) and enjoy walking and seeing all the fluffies. Make me quite happy to do so. Yesterday the kids and I went and walked for an hour and a half. We did one loop, walk down to the river, walked back did another loop then went home. I was shocked at how long we had gone for! I wasn't out of breath, my feet/knees/hips didn't hurt, it was amazing! I wish that's where it could end. Just there. It'd be better if it did. But that's not where it ends. Unfortunately some jerk excuse of a human being decided to call out to me... "YOU SHOULDN'T BE WEARING THOSE SHORTS!!!"... Devastation. Embarrassment. Humiliation. If I could have crawled under the big rock in the field, I would have. My boys didn't really hear it, luckily they were too engaged with a little brown fluffy dog that was...

Let's face it. I'm honest. Albeit a little TOO honest, but at least I don't lie to you about what's going on. I procrastinate. I obsess. I control. I care. I share... everything. All that and more. I've told many people about my weight loss surgery. Only because some of them would've found out anyway, so why not hear it from the horses mouth... so to speak. This way if they have questions they can ask, and I can see their reaction first hand. There have been a few people that while they seem supportive are not REALLY supportive.... let me explain. My friends .... the ones that care about me and not about comparing our bodies.... will say: how are you? how are you feeling? My friends ... the ones that care about me but are very curious about comparing our bodies... will say: how are you? how much have you lost so far? Seem innocent? Yes. It does. Until you see their reaction. I've lost 66lbs so far. Yes! 66lbs! Holy crap! When I mention how much...

I debated this post. This is a difficult thing for me. However, with this journey, this new chapter of the rest of my life... I feel I need to share the good, the bad AND the ugly. Hair loss. It's a very real side effect of weight loss surgery. Mine has hit me and I finally started to notice it. My sister (whom I love so very very much) knew it would hit me hard, so she encouraged me to buy Rogaine for women and head it off. No pun intended. Well. Maybe a little. I started using it and it seems to be working. I've got some fuzz on the top of my head. When I was taking selfies of my face today I noticed something rather odd. My forehead seemed to have grown. I was confused. Then I looked down and took a photo of the top of my head. This is what I saw: I would not do well bald. All I do in the summer is burn! It's not that hard to see. Near the front of my hairline, where my bangs would be, you can see a whole lot of scalp there. And as it turns out, m...

Sometimes it takes someone to point out the complete and utter obvious to you before it finally sinks in. You know, a grandmother telling you that you're doing the wrong crochet stitch because just look at the darn picture, a husband saying maybe the yeast is no good because your bread turned out WAY denser than it usually does... Or maybe a friend that hasn't seen you in 5-6 months and she decides to take a picture of you at your heaviest and a picture she snapped of you at supper and post them both to Facebook. When you see exactly how much weight you've lost and how you look to the rest of the world, suddenly it hits you. Wow. I've really lost a bunch of weight. Up until now I've been denying a little bit, ok a lot, that I have really lost any weight. Yes, the scale said I did, yes my clothes said I did and even my family & friends tell me I have... but denial is a very powerful thing. I look in the mirror and still see my old self. That's it. Just me...