A glimpse into my personal insanity

I'm under 200lbs. Did you read that? Yes, yes you did. I'm UNDER 200lbs. The last time I weighed this much... I can't even remember the last time I weighed this much. Over a decade, at least. I stepped on my scale a little while ago and it said 199.6lbs. I thought, nah, it's broken, no way, not this soon. Sure enough. Step on the scale a few days later, 198lbs. I can't believe how quickly this weight has come off. It's scary and exciting all at the same time. However. With it comes some mental and emotional anguish. I still see myself as 230+ lbs. I'm wearing most of my same clothes, they fit a bit looser, I've had to stop wearing a few pairs of pants, they're WAY too loose. But I look in the mirror and I still see the same "fat girl" that was there at the beginning of December. However, when I don't have any clothes on, my skin is loose. Very loose. My boys commented how "wrinkly" my skin looks now. Parts of m...

I am two weeks post-op. I had surgery on December 30th, 2015 and as of today I was allowed to have soft foods! YAY! I'll be honest, I had half an egg last night. HAHA. Doesn't seem like much... it isn't really... I boiled an egg, cut it in half, took 15min to eat it and I was full. Like holy sh*t, that's it?? For breakfast I was lucky to get down a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, lunch was another half egg, I was stuffed! I mean, it felt like if I took another bite I would toss my cookies (or egg). Supper? Supper I sort of treated myself. My husband and kids ordered pizza. At this point I did the unthinkable. I took the toppings OFF the pizza and put them in a bowl. Then I threw out the pizza slice that was just dough. I didn't even think of it, just did it. HA! HOLY COW! What's going on?!? I was able to eat about half of the toppings, cheese, mushroom, green pepper, black olives and a tiny bit of Italian sausage. I have to say, it took 20min to eat that ha...

I did it! On December 30th, 2015 I was sleeved by a young doctor at the Peter Lougheed Centre, here in Calgary. He's young but is very knowledgeable about what he does. I was very at ease putting my future in his hands. So this is Part 2 of a blog I started where I've been accused, openly, of having surgery as the easy way out. What a horrible thing to say, yet, I don't think the accuser really understood why their comment was so hurtful. For over a decade I've struggled with my weight. Up, down, up, down.. success, fail, success, fail fail.... it's all there. The highest I ever was just after pregnancy was 284lbs. I managed to get down to 261lbs, and I stayed there for a very long time. A photo of myself made me want to change, very much so, I joined weight watchers! I lost 45lbs, it felt amazing. That feeling faded. After 2yrs of paying them weekly I was at my wits end. I lost all my 45lbs in the first 9mos with them, and spent the next year and a bit trying a...

I'm on day nine of this liquid pre-op diet, and like the title says, everyone is alive and well... or at the very least, they're alive. After nine days I've discovered a few things about myself. Not all of it is flattering. 1) I like food. I don't love it. I don't need it. However, I do enjoy it. I miss the tastes, textures and flavours that food offers. For some strange reason, lettuce is on top of that list. 2) Emotional eating is not limited to anger and sadness. In the nine days I've been on Ensure and clear fluids I still need to parent. I'm a mom and need to make sure my kids stay in line. When I get frustrated with them or am upset at them or if I'm relieved or happy or any other emotion you can think of that involves my children, I eat. I have something, candy or fruit, doesn't matter, I have something. in the last nine days I've had to just deal with my shit in order for things to keep flowing. 3) I'm not as tough as I let ...

It's day 3 on this liquid pre-op diet. Geez. It feels like my world is falling down around me. I keep dropping stuff, forgetting things, I lack concentration, I'm tired and grumpy. Some little voice in my head keeps telling me that I got this, I can do it, keep going... It's very quiet, almost inaudible but there... What the hell am I doing? Did I really think I could do this? For some reason it seems like that light at the end of the tunnel is not there anymore. Two full days and part of today. That's it, that's all I've done for liquid diet. I've got 18 more days... What the hell was I thinking. People on support sites and such keep saying, oh, positive thinking, that's all it takes, keep your hands and mind busy, it'll go by quickly...  Bullshit. It's easy to claim things don't bother you when you're typing words on a keyboard, when you have to face people and try to make those same claims it's a whole other world. I don...

Almost two years ago I got a referral from my doctor to the Calgary Weight Loss Clinic. I went in there thinking that it was just a "prerequisite" to the surgery that I was seeking. What I learned was it is so much more than that. I learned why my body is the way it is, why we are in that constant up and down state with our weight. I learned that not everyone wants or even NEEDS surgery to be successful. I made new friends and found some unlikely ones. The support system is amazing and the staff are very knowledgeable. I learn that some of the most important victories don't involve a scale. In the nearly two years part of the program, I didn't lose any weight. HOWEVER, I didn't gain weight. Which to me is a HUGE thing. I was so happy that I was maintaining, albeit a heavy weight, I was maintaining. My goal was still surgery. But I started to see it in a different light. I saw it once as my solution, my only option, my way out. After classes and many discussion...

Ever have one of those days where you wish you could just sit down and give up? Even for just a half hour? So that it's not so fast paced and go go go go?? I got a referral to the weight management clinic here in Calgary back in February of 2014... in May I had my first meeting with one of the nurses. Over that summer I proceeded to complete the 6 mandatory classes in order to become a candidate for bariatric surgery. I had monthly appointments and blood work and all sorts of other things after that. This past summer, 2015, I managed to get my second and final case study by the program. It seems as though I had slipped through the cracks momentarily as others that started after me had surgery dates already. I was disappointed and very discouraged. In October I was scheduled to meet the newest surgeon on the team, he's young and very enthusiastic about it. His knowledge and willing to answer any and all my questions left me feeling confident in my decision to get the gastric...